


Trevelyan Turmoil

by KaenTheDark



Category: Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-12-20
Updated: 2016-04-05
Packaged: 2018-03-02 07:08:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 28,755
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2803925
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KaenTheDark/pseuds/KaenTheDark
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Angry and conflicted Kazix Trevelyan is tossed head long into a position that she is not prepared for. She cant figure out what side is appropriate and has to make up a new facade on the fly to cope with all the chaos. The only one she cant fool is Cullen and she cant figure out why. </p><p>"She Is like a statue with many changing faces. Its almost like she compartmentalizes her life and makes a separate person for each compartment. I just want to help her be who she really is. I don't want her to have to be all these people. She only shines when he smiles at her and shakes the walls she has built. I want to help him fix her, even is he disproves of me."</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. what?

**Author's Note:**

> This is a work in progress. I'm kinda writing in my off time at work. feedback is welcome. Thanks for reading.

    'A prisoner? What?! How did this happen? Everyone is dead? how—AH! What is wrong with my hand!'

    Her inner thoughts shaken loose by a woman clad in the armor of a seeker shoving her shoulder.

     “Give me one reason I should not kill you”

      'Kill me? What the hell happened!?'

      “I don’t know whats going on....” she stuttered as she fumbled with her words, her head still clouded by the green fog of the fade.

      'The fade? I was in the fade? For fuck sake somebody explain whats going—AH!'

      “Your lying!” The angry dark haired woman shouted in her face

     “We need her” A calm shadowed woman spoke as she placed a hand on the seeker's shoulder. The wisps of red hair that framed her face gave her an aura of fire. She could have been a dead ringer for Andraste herself.

     Her head was swimming. Everything was happening so fast. Cassandra dragged her up the frost back mountains while demons fell from the sky. She had to draw on Cassandra with her found sword to get her to let her keep her weapons. She did not feel safe without a sword and shield to protect herself even with the seeker. Cassandra disapproved but folded in the end. She needed Kazix to fight for herself with the abundance of demons pouring from the breach. 

They soon met with the rest of the party and to her absolute bewilderment, Solus showed her that she could close the rifts with little effort. Once the rift snapped shut Kazix wretched her wrist from Solus almost violently with a bit of panic on her face.She quickly tucked it away and steeled herself but she was sure Solus noticed. She silently cursed her lapse in focus. She was not a big fan of being touched, especially by someone she did not know or trust. Varric quickly lightened the mood by annoying the seeker and taking the attention off Kazix.

Once at the forward camp Leliana and Casandra let the decision fall on her as to which path they should take to the temple of sacred ashes where the breach was spewing forth more and more demons as they spoke. Charging in with the soldiers seemed Like her kind of play but she was unsure of these people. She did not want to reveal to much of herself and her skills to people that she was not sure if they still planned on killing her or not. Even as a Trevelyan, killing the divine was not something that could be swept away.

'What did happen? I remember a woman.... and creepy little monsters...and...nothing.' She cursed herself. Why couldn't she remember? Kazix was a woman who prided herself on being the best, at everything. forgetting prime details was not like her. she did not feel right about all this magic and fade business. Something far more sinister was going on here.  
'can it get any more sinister than a dead divine and hell erupting from the sky? Fuck. This is bad...'

Tho she spoke inwardly she could tell her company was becoming weary of her silence.  
"The mountain pass. We should try to rescue the scouts. Your forces ahead should be able to handle themselves well enough, no?" Cassandra sneered. Kazix felt she was doing a marvelous job of pissing off the seeker but was unsure if she would regret it later.

-

After all the trouble of killing that damned pride demon and rescuing the scouts she couldn't even close the breach. She felt weak and angry tho outwardly she seemed calm and curtious to Josephine as they spoke in her chambers within the Haven chantry. Kazix quickly gave her all the information she needed about her family tho remained vague about herself.  
'Herald of Andraste? what.The.Hell. I was hoping to just disappear after all this insanity but I guess I'm stuck here. Fuck.'

Her inward thoughts were always vulgar as he outward ones were forbidden to be so. Always proper and perfect when in company of others. Her father was the only one who really knew her. He had taught her to wield a sword and shield and kept up their practices all the way up until the night before the conclave.

That's when it hit her. Like some one dropped a druffalo on her. Her father was at the conclave.


	2. cracks in the mask

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> her fathers loss sinks in

The color drained from her face as she tried her best to walk calmly out of Haven. Her steps were stiff and she could feel herself wavering as she tried to hold composure. Out the chantry doors and down the steps. She nodded to varric as she passed him dismissing his beckon to her.  
'She is wrong. He could have survived...' The burnt bodies at the temple clawed their way in to her mind. she winced at the sight and quickened her pace. She had no weapon so she could not go far but she had to go somewhere. somewhere away from prying eyes. away from people who she needed her facade for. she was almost at a sprint when she passed through the gates and past commander Cullen and his troops. she could feel everything welling up inside her and it would not be long before she broke. once she thought she was out of sight she broke in to a full on gallop away from everything, her eyes stinging with tears. With all the insanity she had not looked for her father. How could she be so stupid? she fell to her knees in a small grove of trees and snow. the cold bit at her legs but she simply hugged herself and sobbed as quietly as she could.

~

Cullen stood critiquing his troops as they trained.  
"You have a shield for a reason! Use it!" He shouted at a recruit who was floundering miserably with his sparring partner. He sighed and rubbed the bridge of his nose. This whole situation had gone crazy. These boys were not ready for demons. He sighed once more but something drew his attention from the recruits. He could see her, The Herald, almost sprinting as if being chased. She was trying not to look panicked be she had an air of utter terror about her. She was so quiet and polite when they had spoken at the war table seeing her so frayed made him almost worried for her. she was about a foot shorter than him and had long red hair that flowed behind her in the cold wind. Her blue eyes seemed to be welling with tears and she looked like she would sooner collapse than run a single step more but to his surprise when she thought she was out of sight she ran even faster.

He was concerned for her and that she might flee the inquisition leaving them helpless against the rifts and the breach.  
"Keep at it lads! don't go easy on each other!" He shouted re-firing the recruits and slipped away after The Lady Herald.

When he finally caught sight of her she was on her knees in a snow bank between some pine trees. The branches obscured her but Cullen could hear quiet choked sobs. He was unsure if he should approach her. She had only just met him and he knew nothing about her. All the same he ached for her. Something about her drew him in, Like he needed to protect her. The others had told him how fierce she was in battle but he could only see the sad girl shivering and sobbing in the snow. He couldn't leave her.

He moved towards her slowly but made sure she could hear him approach. As soon as the sound of his footfalls reached her she tightened up and frantically wiped her face. She stood quickly and brushed the snow from her clothes.

'I will never be free of prying eyes. I should have waited till dark. I'm such a fool.. damn this place. Damn this mark!'

Her jaw tightened and she let out a jagged breath. Her eyes were still puffy and red when the commander approached her. She cursed him for finding her and herself fro looking a mess.

"Lady Herald." Cullen greeted her formally still not quite sure what to make of the situation.

"Commander Cullen." her tone was clipped and draped an anguish"I was exploring Haven a bit. The snow is quiet lovely out here." Her facade was faltering and she knew he could tell.

"It can be when one is dressed for it." he noted her clothes now soaked through from kneeling in the snow. " I saw you heading out here and I wanted to speak with you.." He was floundering and could think of no way to save himself. He rubbed the back of his neck and could tell his face was flushing.

" uh.. um.. Yes. Well I... Could you be so kind as to gather a sword and shield for me? I would like you to accompany me on a small task." If she could not be rid of him then she would put him to good use.She stiffened a bit as the cold was now sinking in to her skin.

"I-I uh.. Yes Lady Herald. I would be glad to assist you. Would you also like my cloak? it is rather cold my lady." 

'oh maker! Yes you fool just throw your clothes at her. Why must I lose all words when she makes that face?'

Kazix sniffled and wiped her face once more. Something about Commander Cullen seemed... Genuine, at least. she rubbed her arm and shifted slightly with her eyes down cast.

" No, Commander. I will be fine. Please fetch the weapons quickly. our task is time sensitive and I have waited to long already." Her manners saved her for the moment but she couldn't place the reason she had for trusting this man. Maybe because of his Templar origins. Her family worked closely with them, In fact she was meant to be one herself to her mothers great dismay.

If her father was alive- no. When she found her father alive, everything would be ok.


	3. foolish dreams

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the search ends poorly

She stomped ahead of Cullen as she lead them to the temple she was half running and Cullen had to take large steps to keep up with her. The weapons Cullen had gathered for her were already drawn and her knuckles white from gripping them so tightly.

"Lady Herald...Are you alright? You have been rather vague about this task....and you seem ...upset.." Cullen was hesitant to pry at her. He didn't want to push her further than she was but her silence and intensity was unnerving. she refused to look at him. Cullen had also quickly spoken to Cassandra before leaving with her. He asked her to watch over his duties for the time he was gone but was vague on why he had to go. The seeker was already on uneasy terms with the herald and he knew this would only make her more angry.

'Why did I bring him again? oh because I could never have shaken Commander concerned after he saw me like that. Fuck. The tears wont stop. I... I just have to find him....I cant be the only one..' she let out a shaky sigh and steeled herself. "you were there... are you... positive...there were no other survivors?"

Cullen felt so foolish. Maker! Her family was at the conclave. He knew she was a Trevelyan and that they were a family close to the Chantry. He had even met her brother when he came to the Ferelden circle as a visiting Templar. She was looking for her family and he had been so cruel as to interrupt her mourning. he sighed and looked at his feet as he prepared his answer.

"Lady Herald....I'm so sorry ... everyone who survived is at haven and it was only those far enough away that were spared..."he saw her tense and a small choke passed her lips as she stopped. She looked down at he snow covered road. They were almost to the temple now.

"I...I have to be sure.." her answer was short and he could hear the anguish in her voice. What had he done? He rubbed the back of his neck sighing as she resumed the treck up the mountain. The commander couldn't help but think of the wrapped bodies at the temple camp sight. his heart ached for her now.

As they walked in to the disaster zone that was the blast radius of the explosion Kazix was done with her facades. She sheathed the sword and searched every where she thought someone could survive in. her face was covered in tears but she made no noise. The commander felt like an intruder on a terrible nightmare. He helped her search even tho he knew it would turn up nothing. She became more desperate and searched the remaining corpses for signs of her father.

'This isn't happening... I cant be alone.. He has to be here...I cant have failed him so....' She was shaking so much now it was hard to sift through the rubble. she finally collapsed beside a charred corpse and something sharp dug in to her knee from under the rubble she dug furiously at it like it had wronged her some how. her fingertips hit cold steel and she pulled it from the rubble as Cullen stood beside her

"no..." she could barely form words. She felt something inside her snap as she gaped at her fathers charred shield in her hands. the usual polished metal stained with ash and blood. she could never have stopped the cries of anguish that escaped her as she hugged the shield.

Cullen placed a hand on her shoulder but she wretched way and hurled the shield he gave her at him.

"You! Its your fault! You Should have looked harder! he could have lived! Hes dead! " She shrieked at him as she pulled her fathers shield on her arm and drew her sword. She was irrational and enraged and she swung violently at the commander who quickly drew and blocked her blows. She was so fast he had trouble blocking her strikes at first but she was crying so much she could barely see. He knew she would break soon so he spared silently with her only deflecting her attacks.

He dodged one of her swings and the sword wedged in to the rubble. She abandoned it and ran at the commander with her shield. He caught it and dislodged it from her.  
" Lady Herald!" she looked angrily up at him as if he had called her a foul name. She took to punching his chest plate and sobbing and Cullen just stood stoically as the bows lightened and she collapsed on to him. He caught her in his arms and she sobbed in to his shoulder

"It's my fault.... My father is dead and its all my fault" she choked out her words between sobs and Cullen just held her while she shook and sobbed. He knew now why he needed to protect her. He scooped her up in his arms her fathers shield hung off his arm. She did not protest but wrapped her arms around him and cried in to his neck. It was nightfall and by the time they got back to Haven it would be dark enough to slip in tho the camp relatively unnoticed.

Cullen carried her all the way back to Haven. She felt so small in his arms, her sobs were now replaced with quiet whimpers. He took her to her quarters and layed her on her bed. He placed the shield propped up against the wall next to her. He pulled the covers over her as she shivered at the lack of his warmth.she was reluctant to move away from him. He felt like a shield. He was warm and protective and she liked how he smelled. He turned to leave her quarters but stopped at the threshold when he herd her sobbing renew as she clung to a pillow.

"It was not your fault my Lady. You know where to find me if you should need anything" He closed her door and leaned his back against it."maker help me" he sighed and walked to his own quarters.


	4. balanced

   The loud knock at her door came all to early for Kazix. She was still a mess from the night before and got very little sleep. She looked up with only one eye cracked and her hair stuck up in all hilarious directions. She groaned in response but Cassandra was not the most courteous wake up call. The door swung open letting in the dawn light around Cassandra. It was as if a warrior goddess had just kicked in her door. He beauty was lost on Kazix who sat up quickly and frantically tried to ready herself and calm her deranged hair.

   "Good morning Lady Herald. It is almost time for us to set out to the Hinterlands to speak with mother Giselle. The scouts report fighting between Templar and mages on the road so we must take precautions." She turned on her heels leaving the door open and stormed off towards the Chantry. Kazix slammed the door behind her and stalked over to the Desk in the corner of her small cabin where she found a hand mirror. She used a small basin of water to wash her face and calm her hair. She took great care in looking presentable as her mother drilled in to her. She must always be presentable. Always. Even the servants must look upon her in awe.Once she had her composure she stepped out of her cabin donning her fathers freshly polished shield. Even if he was gone she knew he would still protect her.

   It was slightly out of spite for Cassandra that Kazix took the opportunity to talk with the others in Haven and delay their departure. She went around to each person and spoke with them about their origins and how they came to the Inquisition. Varric's tales intrigued her. She felt like his personality matched closely with her own. She liked having someone she could relate to. She spoke politely with everyone and remained neutral on most subjects. She wanted to get to know her comrades if she was to be this Herald they all prized.

  Herald of Andraste. That was a lofty and frightening title. She had always had great faith in the maker, even planed to pledge herself to his service. With the events at the Conclave her faith was badly shaken. Her father meant everything to her. She loved her mother and her brothers but her father was the only one who understood her, fought by her, knew who she really was. Could the Maker truly be so cruel as to take the person she held dearest? Why had the maker not protected him? All these questions about her faith and now everyone calling her the Herald of Andraste, she was feeling rather conflicted about the title.

   The only person she did not seek out was Cullen. She still felt embarrassed about her actions the night before. He had seen her broken, sobbing, and weak; all of witch she never showed anyone. It was as if he had seen her very soul. The thought sent a chill through her. He seemed understanding enough, even kind. He seemed genuinely worried about her. He was so kind to her, helping her search when he knew nothing would be found. He went out of his was to help her and she attacked him. Kazix was mortified by her behavior. Yes, she was in mourning, and would be for a very long time, but Still her actions spoke volumes about her that she wished she never showed. She knew she would have to apologize but Cassandra grew more anxious by the second. Her apology was not one she wanted to rush or something she wanted every recruit to hear. Kazix decided She would seek him out upon their return to Haven and have a proper conversation with him.

   "Finally" Cassandra grumbled as Kazix strode toward the gates accompanied by Solus and Varric. Teasing Cassandra seemed like the only small act of rebellion she could get away with. She took joy in teasing her but in all honesty she was growing kind of fond of her. Not that she would admit it. They spent the next week ,Longer then Kazix expected, out in the Hinterlands. They spoke with Mother Giselle and set out to help the refugees at the crossroads. After what seemed an eternity of hunting rams, finding lost druffalo, and ridding the land of both Templar and apostate strongholds they set to resting at the farms near Redcliff. The Inquisition had already taken to building watch towers for the farms and she had slain a demon controlling a pack of wolves attacking the farmers. It seemed like whenever she finished a quest in this land 3 more would pop up in its place.

   She sat just south of the camp with her feet soaking in the cool stream. The horse That Master Dennant had given her grazed near by, never straying far from her. They had taken quite a liking to each other and Kazix was grateful for his stoic company. She let her thoughts wonder as she relaxed on the river bank. She found herself thinking of the Commander. She had hoped to apologize sooner and try to salvage their working relationship. She let out a long sigh as she replayed the night in her mind. The look on his face as she hacked away at him in her blind rage was not of anger at her but sorrow for her. How could he pity her while she swung a sword at him? Her thoughts drifted back to her fathers shield all smeared in ash and blood.

  "I should have been with him" she whispered, chiding herself. ' Why cant I remember what happened? I would have never left his side. How can this be real?' She looked up and closed her eyes praying it would stem the tide of tears behind her eyes. A cold wet snout seemed the answer to her prayers. General, as she so named him, nuzzled her face and pushed her forward with his nose. She giggled quietly and let him lay his face on her shoulder where she hugged it softly and scratched his forelock. "You, my friend, Are exactly what I needed." he whinnied and nuzzled in to her.

  When they finally made it back to Haven it was late at night and the others were eager to turn in. Kazix bid them good night and stayed behind to put general in the stables. She groomed him lovingly, combing every knot out of his mane and tail and brushing him until his coat had a beautiful sheen. He seemed her only source of happiness in this Maker forsaken place.

  "He is quite the stallion." The sudden voice made Kazix jump and General snorted at the intruder.

  "Makers breath! you startled me." Kazix whipped around only to come face to face with Commander Cullen.

  "That was not my intention Lady Herald-- Trevelyan" He corrected himself remembering the face she made when he called her that.

   " I-.. I'm sorry. I did not mean to-- um.. I wanted to come speak with you sooner. I did not anticipate being gone so long..." She was fumbling with her words and it infuriated her. She attributed it to her fatigue from the journey. Cullen half smiled at her and she felt her face flush slightly.

  " It is to be expected. All of Thedas is clamoring to either meet you or kill you right now. I'm not surprised your journey was extended. I had hoped to see you before you departed but when I saw the others come back I figured you were not far behind."

  " I wanted to... apologize for my actions that night you helped me... I should not have struck out at you." she sighed and looked down at his boots trying to rid her face of its blush.

  " No need my Lady. I only wish we would have found something less upsetting to you." his official tone disheartened her a bit.

  " You may call me Kaz, Commander. I feel as tho with what you have seen of me and how you have helped me so that you need not be so formal with me." She was wringing her hands and had her eyes on the detail of his chest plate to avoid looking in his eyes.

  " Thank you My- Kaz. You should Just call me Cullen then. " his tone softened and that half smile came across his face again, drawing her eyes to his.

  " I also wanted to thank you for everything you did that night. I did not deserve your kindness." Her eyes were locked with his now and she could see every detail and every color.

   "You are to hard on yourself My-.. Kaz. You have been thrust in to a difficult position in a terrible time. Even the strongest warriors needs reinforcements sometimes." He hadn't noticed how beautiful here eyes were before. So bright blue with a pale green around her pupils that shone when she blushed.

   " Thank you Com-.. heh.. Cullen. You are very kind. It has been a long journey but I would like us to speak again tomorrow night, If you don't mind?" she could barely tear her eyes away from him but managed to turn towards general to rub his forelock.

   " I would like that." He said slightly flushing, and looking at the ground." Goodnight Lady Kaz." he smirked once more as her name rolled off his tongue. She smiled back a him and waved as she trotted off towards her cabin leaving Cullen alone with General. He went to pat the horse while still looking off in the direction she had gone.

   "Ow! Maker!" he pulled his hand back grasping his fingers with his other hand. General snorted and shook his head up and down as if to shoo Cullen away."..Jealous horses? Whats next?" He sighed and walked off towards his quarters with General huffing in his stall.


	5. Trying

The next morning Kazix awoke earlier than she intended. Her dreams had been filled with nightmares as of late and she could never sleep for very long without being hurtled into the waking world by her own cries. She sat up on her bed with her knees pulled close to her chest and her head in her hands.She let out a long sigh and ran her fingers through her long red hair. The sun peaking through her window meant it was time to spar. She instinctively swung her legs out of bed and stood up only to catch herself after a single step. There was no one to spar with. Her fathers shield laying on a chair reminded her of that. She sighed once more and sat heavily on her bed. She stared in silence at the shield in all its polished glory before she slammed her fists down on her bed with a muffled scream. She was so frustrated with her feelings and anger that she already felt exhausted. She half giggled at herself wallowing in her misery. How pathetic she must look. She walked to her water basin to ready herself for the day.

  When she finally emerged from her cabin her hair was in a intricate braid off to the side and over her right shoulder. She brandished her sword and shield and glided over to the training grounds looking like a true noble.

  "Greetings soldiers of the inquisition." She spoke formally but loud enough to get their attention over the already clanging swords and shields. This caught Cullen's attention as he slowly put down the missive he was reading. He caught himself staring at her with his mouth ajar. She looked so beautiful he could not find the words but at the same time he thought she could take on an army by herself. The soldiers bowed to her all slightly confused by her presence. "If it is alright with your commander," she glanced at Cullen and gave him a nod. " I would like to join you in your sparing today." She gave them a glowing smile and more than just a few recruits flushed at her gaze including Commander Cullen.

Cullen tried to pull himself together and wipe the smirk off his face. " Lady Trevelyan. You are more than welcome to spar with the troops." He bowed slightly to her remaining formal in the presence of others. " who would like to volunteer to spar with the Lady?" He looked around at the troops who were all rather sheepishly looking at the ground at his request.

  "Actually, I was hoping for at least 10 opponents. I feel like challenging myself and I would like to see what you fine men have learned under Commander Cullen." Kazix was eager to fight. She was angry at the world, The Maker, and herself. If she could not spar with her father she was going to fight until she was exhausted. Maybe then her dreams would quiet themselves.

"You heard your Herald. Do not hold back. She is a real opponent and she will not hesitate to strike you. Don't forget to use your shields." Cullen saw the fire in her. It was a good training opportunity for his men and he was intrigued by her willingness to take on so many opponents." You! the lot of you. Since no one had volunteered you will be her opponents." He ordered the men forward, a group of 12, as Kazix took her stance in front of them. Her eyes were dark as she looked over her shield at the encroaching wary men. They were unsure of fighting The Herald of Andraste. She did not give them the chance to back away from her. She let out a thunderous roar which seemed to bolster her strength and aimed a shield bash at the closest man to her. Her shield collided with his and sent him flying back knocking him and 3 of his companions to the ground. She whipped around lashing out at the next group who were brave enough to come at her. Her sword hit all of their shields bouncing them back from her but she did not relent. She let their blows deflect off her shield and struck back at them striking only their shields with her blade. She was angry and out for blood but her own men would not suffer any hits from her blade. These men believed in her and the only time she would hit them directly was when it was a physical blow from her. She did not want them dead but know who they believed in could truly fight for them. That their Herald was worth fighting hordes of demons for.

She spent the entire day with the troops. She trained with them and even learned some new tricks and enjoyed teaching them some of her own. It was a day well spent and she felt better after it. The men seemed to like seeing her as another soldier and not just some noble with a fancy title. Cullen was also pleased to see her spend time with the men. It boosted morale and he enjoyed seeing her fight. She was powerful and bold, moving like liquid through the battle field knowing  just where to strike. By the time night had fallen Kazix looked more like one of the soldiers than the Herald. Her hair was a mess with her braid falling apart at the end leaving soft waves about her shoulders. She had dirt smeared on her face and clothes from tumbling on the ground to avoid attacks. Cullen enjoyed seeing her so at peace. she seemed just like everyone else for a little while.

 

As the men turned in for the night Kazix walked out to the bluff overlooking the frozen lake. She stood there for a moment just thinking about the days events. She had never been aloud to do such things in the past. Her mother would lose her mid if she saw her now. She knew there would be few days like this in the coming months but she was grateful for it now. The soft crunching of the snow behind her pulled her back from her thoughts. She looked over her shoulder to see the Commander approaching.

 "Please forgive all my impropriety today... I just needed to... not be the Herald for a little while...I know it was silly." She spoke softly and kept her eyes cast down.

  " It was good for the men to see you as a person. It seems to have also lifted your spirits a bit." Cullen stepped in to place beside her and glanced down at her face. Her skin looked soft and her cheeks were pink from the cold.

  " Yes. I do feel a bit better." She let a small smile touch her lips and she looked up at the commander. He was so close she could almost feel his warmth." I would like to ask you a personal question.."

 " Uh.. Sure. What is it?"

 "Where did you get your scar?" She locked eyes with him trying to gauge his response. He chuckled a bit and rubbed is face become more aware of it.

 " I got it while in Kirkwall. After the Chantry exploded and the Champion destroyed the monster that Meredith became I was out looking for survivors that needed help. I happened upon an apostate who was pinned under some rubble. She was a small girl and I tried to help her but she was so terrified of me that she swung her staff at me before I could even tell her I only wanted to help. The blade on the bottom caught me in the lip. Its not very climactic, and It was my own fault for not announcing myself before rushing over to her." He sighed and moved his hand to the back of his neck.

 "Its a better story than mine" He was surprised at this. He looked at her with questioning eyes. He had not seen a scar on her. Her skin looked flawless to him. She smiled at his confused look and  laughed. She stuck her finger in her mouth and pulled up her lip. She had a scar to mirror Cullen's only on the inside of her lip. Cullen laughed and looked away as his face flushed.

 "I'm sure that's an interesting story." He smiled finally getting the nerve to look back at her.

 " Not really." she sighed and wiped her hand on her pants." My father and I were out riding one day and saw a woman who looked like she was hurt. we went to her aid and she tried to kidnap me. Nobles and all that nonsense. She put a blade in my mouth so I wouldn't scream but she underestimated my strength and when I Kicked her hard enough to break her leg her hand slipped and cut the inside of my mouth. She was promptly arrested and i'm left with a scar to chew on inside my lip." She laughed weakly and cast her gaze back to the ground." I only asked because I thought it was interesting that we have a similar Scar."

 "That sounds pretty interesting. I still say its a better story than mine though." He looked over at her as she examined her boots. He felt the urge to reach out to her but was uncertain how she would react. The last time he tried she struck him with a shield.

" Maybe." She giggled and turned to him placing a hand on his arm" Would you like to spar with me some time, Cullen?" His name sounded like music when it passed her lips. Her small fingers curled around his forearm making his face flush.

 " I would... Enjoy that My Lady." He smiled at her and laughed when she gave him a stern look." Kazix. Sorry." The warm smile she gave him made it feel like there was no one else around. When he had her attention it was like they were the only tow people in the world.

 " Good! Then its settled! Every night I'm here in camp we will spar." She took her had away from his arm and took a few steps toward her cabin." Thank you."She whispered so only he could hear " For always being here. I appreciate all of your kindness." He turned to face her with a puzzled look that turned to a soft smile.

 " You always know where to find me, should you need anything." He smiled at her as she strode to her cabin. He thought how nice it would be to get used to that view.


	6. Moving on

  After the disaster that was Val Roux Kazix decided it was best to clear her head outside the bounds of Haven. She head to the Oasis with Solas, and her newly recruited friends Sera and Blackwall. Sera was childish and bratty but that's what made Kazix like her so much. In all this madness of Herald, nobles,and Propriety, Sera was a refreshing change of pace. Blackwall seemed noble enough in his intentions but Kazix felt something more to him. It felt like he was hiding behind a facade, just like her. She spoke with him at Haven before they departed and he told her of the Grey Wardens and his order. Kazix had always Idolized the Wardens. She and her father had been discussing her future and whether she should become a Warden or a Templar. Her father favored Templar because her brothers would be there to protect her. She had favored the wardens for their sense of honer and duty. She wanted to be a part of the order that slayed arch daemons and saved the world, but that decision was on hold for the time being.

  She had also gained Lady Vivienne, and a mercenary called The Iron Bull as followers to the inquisition. Bull was gruff and refreshingly vulgar Qunari. She loved the looks Cassandra gave him while he spouted profanity during his tales of battles. Lady Vivienne was not what she expected. She found her annoying, even more so than Roderic and his insistent pestering. She was, in every way a noble and It reminded Kazix about every part of her life that she detested. When she spoke even her tone was entitled and callous. Kazix could not stand her but she was not going to tun away help with the inquisition in its infancy.

  Kazix was growing more comfortable with her companions, to the point where she could actually laugh with them. It seemed strange to be able to relax in the throws of closing the rifts and have a few moments of levity with her companions.On the 5th day they spent in the Oasis Kazix and Sera were relaxing in the base of the canyons by the shallow lake. The Oasis was beautiful. She had never expected to find anything as glorious in the sun scorched canyons. The girls had taken off their boots and were wading around in the cool water.

  "Do you think Cassandra has ever punched a bear?" Sera asked cocking her head to the side.

  " I don't think so, but I feel like she could. You should ask her!" Kazix giggled a bit and Sera snorted at her.

  " She's to uptight that one! I bet she ain't gone for a roll in forever!"Kazix tried to stifull her laughter. " Bout you? Been for a tumble with any of your adoring fans yet?" Kazix almost choked on her own laughter

  "Ha! No way! Could you imagine Cassandra and Josephine?! They would die from the scandal! The Herald Of Andraste rolling about in a barn with some fanatic!" She laughed at herself but  a flash of a certain someone came to mind making her flush a bit. Sera found this most interesting, a large cat grin encompassed her face.

  "Ohhh reeeaalllyyy? You've got the hots for someone don't cha?! Nether regions getting moist thinking about him eh? Haha! Your face!" Sera almost fell over trying to contain her laughter and snorts and Kazix turned bright red. Solas and Blackwall cast them questioning glances as Sera howled and Kazix seemed to tense and become a hysterical shade of crimson.

  "I have no such infatuation!" She stomped her foot in the water splashing it up and turned her back to Sera.

  " Ohh look at you! Going all noble to hide your crush! Who is it ehh?! C'mon! You can tell meeeeeee" Sera poked her sides and tried to get a look at Kazix face but she kept turning from her. " I bet its Commander serious hu? You've got the hots for mister tall, armored, and dorky don't--" Kazix grabbed Sera by the waist and tossed her down into the shallow water splashing it everywhere. Sera grabbed her and pulled her down with her. After a short struggle the both of them broke out in joyous laughter as they splashed each other.

 

  "I don't know about that one. I feel like she is a bad influence on The Lady..." Blackwall grumbled to Solas as they watched the two girls giggle and splash one another.

  "I think the Lady needs a bit of levity, however uncouth her company may be.I believe she will be fine." Solas cracked a smile as the girls stood up from their fight, both soaking wet and giggling.

 

 They spent a few more days in the Oasis closing rifts and spending shards in the temple. By the time they headed back to Haven her council was pressuring her to pick a side to approach for help closing the rift. All but Cullen seemed to count out the Templars. This decision weighed heavy on her and she felt so helpless in the fray of arguing voices. The night after they returned, Kazix had plans to spar with Cullen in a few hours but she wanted to talk to Blackwall about her decision first. She found him in his usual spot by the smith and asked him to walk with her. He happily agreed and escorted her out to the docks by the frozen lake.

  "What side do you think will help us with the rift?" she asked as she swung her legs off the edge of the dock and looked up at the dusky sky.

  " Both have adequate power I suppose. They are both equally in need of our help as well. From the chargers reports, it looks like the Templars are getting screwed royally. The Mages are slaves to Tevinter and that weird time magic stuff. This is one hell of a situation. I cant imagine this is easy on you." He looked down at her but her mind was far from them, lost amongst the stars that were slowly lighting up the sky.

  " My brothers are Templars. Three of the five. I cant imagine what they must be thinking right now. They have probably heard that their baby sister is some crazy heretic. What if they are already dead? ......What if we killed them out in the Hinterlands?" Her gaze turned to the Ice beneath the dock." I apologize. Please forgive my ramblings." She laughed a fake chuckle and stood up next to Blackwall. His face was glazed with concern.

  "No one would blame you for choosing to help the Templars."

  " That is exactly what they would do. Those of my inner circle, like you and Sera, would know why but..." she furrowed her brow and turned her face to the encroaching stars once more." Why cant I just fucking save them all?!" Blackwall's face went from shock to a soft smile. He placed his hand on her shoulder.

  "All you can do is try your best to do what is right, My Lady." she looked at him with a half smile and knew he understood. He was right. All she could do is try.

  She spent the remaining  hours before she was to meet Cullen, sitting with Blackwall and speaking of the Wardens and Templars. They spoke of both orders and the legends that encompassed their pasts and what would become of them in the days to come. Some points were grim but, others hopeful. She would find her brothers and rescue them from the madman that was their commander. Luke, Micheal, and Connor would not follow a mad man so blindly that they could not see corruption in their ranks.

 "Commander! Forgive me! Time had slipped away from me!" She stood and bowed her head to him. Blackwall smiled at her.Cullen stood at the edge of the docks with his hand on the back of his neck.

  "Forgive my intrusion My Lady. I did not mean to interrupt..." He trailed off looking at his feet.

   " I will leave you with the Commander My Lady" Blackwall kissed her hand and departed with a nod to the Commander who felt an odd knot in his gut.

  " Sorry... I got caught up in the conversation. I'm glad you came looking, I could talk about the Templars and Wardens forever." She gave him a weary smile and it made him relax considerably.

  "I wanted to make sure you weren't out here all alone again...uh... If that's ok?"He felt so foolish when he spoke with her. It was like she had a power over him that made his mind and mouth enemies. She smiled warmly at him and hooked her arm around his.

  " How thoughtful Commander. Shall we?" He sighed and followed her lead as the red on his cheeks deepened.

 


	7. The Red Templars

   Her advisers arguments echoed in her head now as she cleaved her way through the corrupted monsters that now inhabited the Templar armor before her. She was so angry. At herself, her advisers, the Knight Captain. Her brothers were here somewhere and it was her fault if they fell. She should have come sooner. She screamed as she roared towards another red Templar with her shield braced and sword held high. Her blade sunk in to the gap in his armor and he hissed out blood as his life drained from him. Kazix heaved her sword back, spraying the ground with the boys blood. She did not enjoy killing but she was almost blind with fury at this point.Blackwall, Solas, and Sera seemed to fade in to the bloody mist as she carved a path through the abominations. What few sane men she found could tell her nothing of her family. After The Knight Captain slayed the noble accompanying them she knew things would get out of hand fast. It was a blood bath from that point on. The smell of the tainted lyrium mixed with blood made the air stale and heavy. After slaying the corrupt Knight Captain and carving her way up the stairs she finally made it to the main hall. The Lord Seeker stood before Kazix and she reached out to grab him. He turned on her and pulled her in to a portal that tore open in the world.

  When the world became clear again she was standing in what looked like a small courtyard with tall pillars and small shrubs. The world was dark and an odd shade of green with ominous torches burning along the walls. She took a tentative step forward and looked around. She was alone in this world but she could feel something watching her. As she advanced the burning figures on the ground became clearer. They were corpses. People burnt where they stood, still frozen in fear, hands up in hopes of protecting themselves. As she approached the end of the hall she could see two figures standing next to each other. It was Cullen and Josie. Her brow furrowed and she steeled herself. She knew these figures were not real. She always hated all this magic stuff.

  "Does this form help? will it let me know you?" Leliana stepped out of the shadows and stood behind Cullen drawing a blade to his throat.Kazix faltered a bit but steeled herself.

  'Its not real.'She told herself fighting back her urge to protect Cullen.

  "What are you!?" Kazix barked at the beast in her friends form, her knuckles going white as she gripped her sword. The  imposter slit Cullen's throat and let him fall. Kazix yelped bus bit bit back her emotions.

  "What are you!?" The demon mimicked her voice and stepped back in to the shadows. Then Josie took a step forward toying with a dagger." You will be so much more interesting than the lord Seeker." The beast hissed and circled around her. She turned quickly but the demon was gone. " Once the elder one rises I will kill you and then I will _be_ you."Kazix turned again but the demon was behind her once more.

  "So he thinks he can be some kind of god?"Kazix scoffed at the demon.

  "He was there. Glory is coming and the Elder One wants you to server, just like the rest. By dying in the right way." 

  "Keep talking then!" Kazix bit out at the demon who turned her back and stalked off.

  "I am not your toy! I am Envy! I will know you!" The demonic voice echoed behind her and Cullen stood just over her shoulder. Her brow furrowed. She did not like the demon posing as her friends, especially not Cullen."Tell me Herald, In your mind, What do you think? What do you feel?" the demon struck down what looked like a shadowed version of herself. She scowled. Cullen would never hurt her like that. Ever. He cared for her. The demon then stood beside the war table looking over at her. She looked up as she felt something in her hand and she pulled up a dagger from her shadow self as she watched herself crumple to the floor. She turned away"Tell me what you see.." and then everything was gone. Kazix took in a shaky breath and shook the monster from her mind. She would not be thwarted so easily. Her brothers were here and she would find them.

  She pushed forward with her shield held close to her chest. She moved room by room seeing the plays set forth by the demon. It was when she awoke at haven and Cassandra threatened to kill her. The next room was her shadow self shouting orders. commanding the destruction of camps and striving to be queen of Thedas. Kazix smirked at the demon.

  "You are enjoying yourself." She sneered as the demon laughed.

  "Accusing. Trying to find my weakness? Is that who you are?" The figures exploded and Kazix deflected a bit of debris with her shield. She hefted it higher on her arm and strode forward.

  'This demon is a fool. I will not be defeated with merely words and visions. I will kill this thing.' She steeled her resolve and moved forward only to jump back as searing green fire pored down from the pillars in the room. She observed them for a moment and saw a path through if she timed her movements precisely. she moved carefully and quickly making it to the end with only a few singes. A cascade of fire barred her from getting any further. A figure appeared and ran from her but it was gone as quickly as it came. She made her way to a small side room that had furniture pinned to the walls. She examined the awkward room but found nothing. She turned to leave.

  "Wait." A voice called out to her and she stopped cold. It did not sound like the demon. She turned to look back in to the room again." Envy is hunting you. Mirrors on mirrors on memories. A face it can feel but not fake.I want to help. You. Not Envy."

  "You...Seem familiar.." She spoke softly her shield still held tight to her chest.

  "Ive been watching. I'm Cole. Were inside you. Or I am. You're always inside you. Its easy to hear. Harder to be a part of what your hearing. But I'm here. Hearing.Helping. I hope." Kazix turned to the voice once more to see a young boy in a floppy hat standing on the ceiling. she walked tentatively towards him. "Envy hurt you. _Is_ hurting you. I tried to help. Then I was here. In the hearing. It's-- It's not usually like this." Kazix furrowed her brow at the boy.

  "The least I can ask is that things make sense _in my own head_." She was frustrated. She had enough of this fade and magic stuff. Cole chuckled at her.

  " It never works like that." A horrific screech came from the hall behind her and she turned to face it." I was watching. I watch. Every Templar knew when you arrived. They were impressed but not like the Lord Seeker." Kazix scoffed.

  " The Lord Seeker is an envy demon! It wants to be me."When she looked back Cole was standing on the bed in front of her.

  "Yes. It twisted the Commanders. Forced their fury. Their fight. They are red inside. Anyway. You're frozen. Envy is trying to take your face. I heard it and reached out. And then In. And then I was here."

  " Wait, What do you mean I'm Frozen?"

  " Thoughts are fast. We're here. Outside. A blade still falling. Hanging in the air like a sunset."

  " So if no time is passing does that mean I'm safe?"

  " No. It would be good if you got out." Kazix looked hard at the boy. She had enough of all this nonsense and if the fastest way out was with this boy's help she had no choice.

  "Okay "Cole", can I get out the way you got in?"

  "Yes, but I think you would die. Its your head. You shouldn't be out of it."

  " Then how do I evict everyone else?"

  " All of this is Envy: people, places,power. If you keep going, Envy stretches. It takes strength to make more. Being one person is hard. Being many, to many, more and more. And Envy breaks down. You break out."

  " So if I keep moving forward in my head we will wear Envy out?"

  "Maybe. I hope it helps. Its more than sitting around waiting to lose your face."

  "True." She followed him out of the room and he stood in front of the fire fountain barring the path.

  "Ideas are loud here. Make them louder. Think of water."

  "Water..." She spoke quietly to herself and envisioned water pouring forth. The flames hissed in response as they were doused to her amazement." I cant believe that worked.."

  "That thing cant help you! I _will_ See more!" The demons voice hissed in her ears. She winced and pushed forward with Cole always in her sights. She did not trust him enough to turn he back to him.

  The next room had her shadow self dead on a slab with Roderic and Cassandra hovering over her body.

  "Betrayed allies will curse your name... Like the first inquisition. You will bring blood, ruin, and fear!" The demon's voice was that of nails on slate.

  "Unless you don't. You don't have to. None of this is real unless you let it be."Cole's voice was calming and soothed her ears.

  "Get out _thing_! I am learning!" The demon screeched as if struck. Cassandra and Roderic spoke of her failure to close the breach but Kazix pushed their voices away from her and moved on without a second glance.

  'If this is my head then I will control what I wish to see.' The next room held her shadow self fighting with mother Giselle. She did not wait to hear what heretical filth the demon would spew and pushed past the illusion.

  "No one would believe you are me! Foolish beast."

  "Do your friends know you so well? Not as well as I will know you." The demon laughed at her but she was more focused now. She would not be dissuaded. She moved forward lighting brazers as she went and the demon snarled at her as she fought against his illusions. She had to swallow her rage when she saw Cullen caged like a common prisoner. She would not let the demon know her or her weaknesses. She pressed forward as the demon protested screeching about not knowing enough. She escaped the prison only to be trapped in a forest full of corpses. Frantic cries of her bring demons to invade Orlais echoed in the branches of creaking trees.

  "You cant keep me here!" Kazix barked as the demons play continued. It hissed at her It wanted to learn from her but she would not give it the answers it was seeking.

  "Your letting the Herald see you. The more she sees the stronger she gets." Cole's voice was always like the calm of a storm, blocking out the demon screeches that clawed at Kazix. She pushed forward and on into the forest. Shades were littered about with soldiers spread thin.

  "You wish to be difficult? See your Inquisitions legacy!" The demons voice grated on her last nerve. She was tired of this. Perhaps if she moved fast enough she could trip up envy. She bolted forward. pushing past shades and running up the stairs of the castle that emerged from the foliage. Cole's voice pushed her on telling her to keep climbing. She stopped for no enemy she bashed those in her way with her shield and pushed forward, never hindered for long. She finally reached the top of the castle after pushing through enemies, fire, and veil spikes. She approached a large red door cautiously. Her shadow self pushed her in to the door and hoisted her up against it.

  "Unfair! Unfair! That thing kept you whole, kept you from giving me your shape!" The demon was trying to imitate her voice.

  " What could you gain from being me?" She questioned as she clawed at the monster holding her up.

  " What could you-- What--Ugh!" The monster tried to mimic her but couldn't get it quite right." Ill start again! More pain this time! The elder one still comes!"

  "Its frightened of you" Cole's voice echoed from above as the demon closed its hands around her throat. She kicked the monster away and head butted it then all of the sudden the world went blank.

   The envy demon fled from her as she snapped back to the present. Its form was grotesque and it made her cringe to think that thing was in her head.

  "He is an imposter. An Envy demon has taken the Lord Seeker."

  "That means the lord Seeker is...either caged or dead. Maker.." Knight Templar Barris shook his head and looked at the ground. He told Kazix how the red lyrium had corrupted their Commanders.

  Kazix was even more angry than she had been. Demons trying to mess with her head was pushing her to far. She spoke with Barris and they devised a plan to get past the barrier the Envy demon had constructed in their path. If she found the higher ranking Templars that were still fighting and a cache of non tainted lyrium the Templars were confident they could help. She ventured in to the east corridor and rescued one of the Templars and found the lyrium cache. She returned quickly as the sounds of battler grew from the hall. She burst through the door with a shield bash and slaughtered the red Templars that had made it in to the main hall. She had no patience for these beasts that had mad a mockery of her brothers order. As she struck down a rouge abomination she heard the west door fly open and slam shut. A thin young Templar boy pressed his back to the door like he was being chased by the void itself. He looked up and saw the higher ranking Templars and almost fell to his knees.

  "Barris! Its Connor!" Kazix grabbed the boy by the collar intercepting his message to his superior before he could utter another word.

  "Connor Trevelyan?"Her tone was raspy and low. Her gaze was intense and bored holes in him.

  "Y--Yes My Lady.. He and his brother...They are stuck in the west tower! P--Pinned by those...M-Monsters!"Kazix tossed him to the ground and set out for the tower without a word. Blackwall followed close behind her as she practically kicked the door to splinters. Her rage was mounting. How could everything go so wrong?

  'I can't loose them. I will not let them fall. I will save my brothers!' She growled a low carnal noise in her throat as she caught sight of Luke, her eldest brother, block a blow aimed at Connor, her twin brother. Connor immediately sensed her approach and renewed his assault to try and get to her. She used her shield to bash past three red Templar monsters, leaving them dazed as Blackwall cleaved their bodies in two behind her.

  "Kaz!" Luke and Connor screamed out for her while blocking hacks from the monsters. The hall was littered with corpses and her brothers looked haggard and tired. The boys were coated in blood and Connor had lost his shield but they were still fighting as hard as they could. Only a few Live creatures remained. Kazix sunk her blade in to the skull of an abomination as her brothers felled the the last two beasts impeding their path.She stepped on the lifeless abomination anchoring her sword to the floor and wretched it forward, freeing it. Her breathing was labored but when Connor's chest plate collided with hers she dropped her sword. Luke joined and both of them hugged their sister tight. She choked on her anger and emotion and embraced her brothers." We were so worried about you little Kaz! When news of the Conclave came we were unsure if you or father were alive!"Luke stepped back from her stroking her hair and cupping her face in his hands. Connor kept his arm hooked around her waist as he stood beside her. "That's fathers shield, isn't it?" Luke looked down at her arm and saw her eyes burn with hidden tears and smiled wearily at her." It was to much to hope for...Well we have you and thank the Maker for that."

  "I knew you were here somewhere. I felt you approach. Herald of Andraste. My Little Kaz. I heard the rumors. I was afraid to hope they were true." Connor took her hand in his and squeezed tight.

  "Where is Michael?" Kazix asked softly as she took one of Luke's hands in her own. Both of the boys dropped their heads and Connor sighed.

  "He was captured trying to go look for you and Father. He didn't accept that both of you were dead. The Knight Commander had him imprisoned with those things a few weeks ago. We have been trying to get to him but to no avail.." Connor leaned on Kazix and sighed. "I'm glad you are safe Kazy Kat." His pet name for her made a small smile sneak across her face.

  "Forgive me my lady but the fighting is getting louder. We must return to the main hall and help the remaining Templars." Blackwall reminded her gently. Her face hardened and she retrieved her sword.

  "Yes, If we intend to escape this place we must get back." Luke and Connor took up arms behind their sister and followed her back to the main hall, picking up another Templar veteran along the way.

  After fighting past what seemed like endless hordes of red Templars they broke through and Kazix set off back to the barrier. Blackwall noticed that her fighting style changed entirely. She no longer charged forward in anger but rather cautiously moved, always with her brothers in view. nothing could get past her. She was a shield wall all on her own.

   Kazix cut through her enemies with precision and grace. Her red curls matted with gore as her braid came loose over her shoulder. She couldn't remember the last time she actually wore a helm in battle. One after another the corrupted spawn of the red lyrium fell to her blade. A particularly strong monster clawed at her and she blocked him with her shield. She pushed him back and let her sword fall with all her might crushing in to its neck. That's when she saw it.The necklace father had given him the day he left for his training with Luke. Michael's chain with their family crest. Her sword sunk through it and his crystalline flesh with ease and her whole world cracked as his tainted blood splattered across her shield. She sucked in a harsh breath but her lungs didn't work. She let her sword catch on his bone and watched all in slow motion as he and it crashed to the floor. Blackwall stepped in front of her defending from another strike. She fell to her knees and even though the world was silent in her mind she was screaming.


	8. Holding on

  Kazix sat quietly atop the small bluff that over looked the frozen lake at Haven. Tears were flowing down her cheeks unhindered. She did not try to stop them. There would be no point.  Though she made no sound her mind was a haze of screams and angry voices, all her own. She felt a heavy ache in her chest like she had been run through. She almost wished had been. 

  The Templar's tents could be seen across the lake. They were in full alliance with the inquisition now. She managed to save them and vanquish the envy demon. She did not remember much of what happened after she slaughtered her brother. Even if he wasn't really Michael anymore **she** still killed him. She spent the rest of the trip in a haze of trying to choke down her emotions and disgust with herself. Luke and Connor didn't even know what happened. When she collapsed they picked her up and ripped her sword from Michael's corpse without a second glance. She apologized for tripping and fought on without telling them. Without telling anyone. It had been a day already and she was hiding from her brothers, brothers that she loved and missed terribly.She was hiding from everyone.

~~~

  "You are important to her." Cullen leaped up from his desk drawing his blade in an instant, only to find Cole standing beside him.

  "Makers breath! What  are _you_ doing here?!" Cullen pointed his sword at him and eyed him carefully.

  "I listen. I was there. Envy used you to hurt her. She still hurts. More than before."

  "What?"Cullen's sword dropped slightly "You mean Lady Trevelyan?"

  "She doesn't like it when you call her that. It makes you seem distant." Cole looked faraway under his large hat, like he was watching something off in the distance. "Pain. Guilt. Guilty. Liar. I'm hurting them all. Ive failed them all so much. I killed him. I'm a killer.Murderer. I don't deserve him. I don't deserve anyone. anything. I'm a monster." He shook his head and re-focused on Cullen who sheathed his sword and stared at him in bewilderment. " Its hard to make out the words. She is so loud and so bright. Her screams are deafening."

  "Screams?! Where is she?! Is she in danger?!" Cullen grabbed for Cole but he was gone in an instant.

  " The only danger she is in, is that from herself. On the bluff. She is not as strong as she wants them to think. Wants _you_ to think." Cole appeared over his shoulder but when Cullen turned to look he was gone again. He shook his head and stormed out of his room. He was  almost jogging but he did not want anyone to be alarmed or follow him. He knew Kazix was fragile even though she didn't show it. The dusk sky was staring to darken enough to see the stars poke through. By the time he caught sight of her small figure curled tightly in on herself the night was almost upon them. She had her knees pulled tight to her chest and her fathers shield lay besides her in the snow. Cullen approached quietly. He didn't know what to do but he knew she needed someone.

  "La--...Kazix?"His voice was soft and kind. She did not jump up and pretend to be ok like she usually did. She glanced over her shoulder at him but made no move to straighten herself or hide her tears.She turned away from him slowly like he had only been a whisper in the night. Cullen approached her and sat beside her in the cold snow. " Are you... Well, I know you are not ok... Do you mind if I stay with you?" She kept her dead stare straight ahead but made no sound to protest. Her nose rested on her crossed arms and her soft crimson curls flowed freely over her shoulders. " You can talk to me... Or yell at me. Whatever you need. I am...Here for you..." Cullen rubbed his neck and studied the cold expression on her face. He didn't like seeing her like this.

  " You should not be here.." Her voice was so quiet Cullen had to lean in to hear her. Her eyes stayed forward but new tears welled in them.

  "I want to be here." Cullen said quietly as he looked down at the lake below.

  " I ...I am a Murderer.... You should not want to be around me." Her tears were starting to reach her words now. Cullen looked at her in angry confusion.

  " What are you talking about? You are not a Murderer. You fight to save peoples lives. Every enemy you fell is trying to kill--" She glared at him and it caught him off guard. He had never seen her look so angry.

  " I Killed him! He may have been trying to kill us but He was still him! It was still his face under all that...corruption! He was ..still my brother....I killed my little brother..." her words were harsh and choked as she fought against the sobs. Cullen looked at her in shock. He was so terrible at making her feel better. He always seemed to make things worse. He looked down at her feet and then back to the angry tears on her face.

  "He was one of the red Templar then.... I'm so sorry Kazix... Please, let me help you..."

  "You can't help me. I am a monster!" She bit out her words in bitter anger and choked sobs. "Cullen, I.. I don't deserve to have some on like you care--" Cullen hooked his arm around her and pulled her close to his chest. This was her breaking point. His warmth wrapped around her with her face pressed in to his mantle. She sobbed. She couldn't stop. Cullen held her tight and let her cry in to him. She need this time. She needed him. Being the Herald of Andraste weighed heavy on her but to add to it all the burdens of life, _her_ life, Cullen didn't know how she did it.

  After some time her sobs lessened and she snuggled in closer to Cullen as he stroked her hair softly. When she finally spoke it was a tiny whisper meant only for Cullen.

  "Thank you... I don't know why or how I was blessed with you, but I thank the Maker you are here with me..."  The redness on his face crept up his ears as she moved in to him. He smiled down at her. Her face was puffy from crying but it was her again. She didn't have that angry far off face that scared him anymore. She had become important to him, but he did not think it the time or place to tell her.

  "You should get some rest Kazix. You have been out here for a long time." Cullen made to move but she pulled him close again and slipped her fingers in under the edge of his chest plate.

  "Just a little longer..." She trailed sleepily as she clung to him. He smiled and wrapped his arms around her as his flush deepened.

 " As you wish." He felt her smile and he knew that he needed that small, simple, beautiful smile in his life. And that he would do anything to keep it.

~~~~

 "F--F--F--FUCK!" Her screams were muffled in the blistering winds. She was trudging through the snow painfully slow. The others made it. Everyone else made it out of Haven. She knew his name now. Corypheus _ **.**_ She would make him regret attacking her. Attacking _ **her**_ people _ **.**   _There was a cold camp near by but it held no hope of heat for her. She kept moving along with her fingers tucked under her arms for warmth. The cold was in her bones now. She was soaked up to her thighs and she never wished she was a mage so much. Fire. She needed fire. Another cold camp, a bit more fresh than the last. She swore she could hear wolves howling, like they were tracking a meal. 

'Hope they like frozen food...' She laughed inwardly because she feared she didn't have the breath to otherwise. Her limbs were stiff and she was moving slower now. She was painfully aware of her body's ache and how it was ebbing back in to numbness. She would not last much longer. Another camp. warm embers. 'I'm close. just a little further..' She begged her body to continue but it was quaking beneath her. the world was spinning. She could go no further.

  "Kaz!" How fitting it would be his voice to call her to the fade. Warm arms gathered her against cold metal. His chest plate. always so cold on her skin. How she longed to snake her fingers beneath it and steal his warmth. She could barely open her eyes and all she could see was a blurry mess of red fur.

'Crap. I went and died. I'm sorry...' Her mind faded as contentiousness left her.

  " Maker save her. I cant lose her now." Cullen's words were quiet and whispered in to her snow drenched hair. he pulled her close and sat by the fire cradling her in his arms. He orders blankets for her and held her till he was sure she would recover. He Placed her gently on his cot and layered furs over her including his fur puldrons and cloak. She needed to survive. if everything else in this horrid world was swallowed up by the rift it would not matter as long as she survived.


	9. Skyhold

  When she finally awoke she was so very warm and Cullen's familiar scent was draped around her. She pulled the furs closer and inhaled deeply with a grin across her face. She let her eyes flutter open and saw Cullen propped up on a small stool beside her cot.

  " Hey.." She whispered quietly as she reached a hand out in to the cold night air to touch Cullen's arm. He turned sleepily towards her and smiled, lifting his scar.

  "Hey there. Welcome back." He laughed softly at her smile.

  " I never knew you had such a wonderful singing voice." She teased and he flushed.

  " I'm sure it sounded better because of all the voices together. Its terrible on its own." He looked down at her small fingers resting on his arm

  " You are not getting off that easily. You must sing for me again some time." He took her hand in his and kissed her knuckles making her blush.

  " Only if you sing to me too." He smiled and she let a giggle escape.

  "Thank you. I know you were the one who pulled me out of the snow. I thought you were a dream at first.... I'm relived it was really you."

  "Do you dream of me often?" He immediately blushed and laughed at himself "That came out wrong.."

  "Sometimes. Mostly after our sparring matches." She giggled as he turned bright red. She pulled his hand to her lips and kissed the warm leather of his glove. She looked up at his red face and smiled sweetly at the flustered man.

  "Your brothers were worried about you. Do you want me to fetch them?"

   'Scaredy cat' She thought with a smirk."You are free to retreat Commander" She smiled at him as he smirked.

  "Thank you My Lady." he gave an exaggerated bow and left with a warm grin. She was always so happy when he was around.

  'He saves me in so many ways.... and he does not even know it. I should find a way to thank him..... Oh Connor and Luke... I should tell them....' Her smile faded and  she pulled Cullen's Mantle tight to her. 'How do I even begin?' She could already feel the tears pricking her eyes. How the tables turned so quickly in her life.

 " Kaz!" Connor exclaimed as he knelt by the cot. She relinquished the safety of the furs and embraced him.

 " I'm fine. You know I'm tougher than a little snow." she gave a weak smile. Luke looked at her with a knowing frown. Connor kissed her forehead and hugged her tight. "I have to tell you something... It is probably best if I get it out now... Michael... He was..."Her words were harder to get out and Connor looked up at her with dismay. The look in her eyes tore at him and some how he knew. " He was there...At the castle.... He was corrupted... I..I murdered him.." Her last words were a mere whisper and Luke fell to his knees beside Connor. They each grasped one of her hands and the tears were breaking through her careful defenses. " when I fell... My sword was in his neck... I didn't know until I saw our crest... It was my fault... I should have come sooner....I'm so sorry.." She was struggling against sobs. Connor and Luke we sitting by her side now. Connor pulled her in and let her tears fall on his chest while Luke held her hand.

  " We knew the chances were slim that he had made it out un-tainted... Kaz... You can't blame yourself for this. You couldn't have changed it. We have each other now. Father would not want us to dwell on what we could have done. You have accomplished so much already." Luke spoke softly as he ran his thumb over her knuckles. " Kazy Kat... We will fight with you and defeat this Corypheus. We will honer our family in battle. We will crush that monster! Together!" He squeezed her hand tight and she looked at him. She had an endearing smile and Connor wiped away her tears.

 " Together, Kazy Kat." Connor nodded in agreement and smiled. She gave a weak laugh and pulled her brothers in and hugged them tight.

 

~~~

  When they finally reached Skyhold Kazix could barely contain herself. She explored relentlessly, scouring every hiding spot she could sniff out of the ancient walls. The first week flew by in a haze of cleaning and repairing. Once Cullen had found his preferred spot the restorations halted near him. He was a force to be recond with when it came to being interrupted.

  After a few days of settling in Kazix found herself in the dilapidated prison most nights. She liked the smell of the falls and how the sound of rushing water calmed her. She had mapped the steps to get to her particularly precarious perch. She knew what area still had support and what didn't. She would often escape here when she could no longer stand the endless inquisition missives.

  She lay outstretched across one of the remaining roof beams as she gazed up at the stone roof. She took a deep breath and smiled. Cullen's scent was still on her from their sparring match. Now that things had quieted and everyone was settled in she was happy he asked to continue their matches. She had grown quite fond of him. The image of him sitting beside her cot after the storm warms her chest and puts a face-splitting grin across her lips. She giggled softly at her thoughts.

  "Found ya!" Kazix almost fell from her perch at the loud screechy voice.

  "Sera!" she sighed and regained her balance "I didn't know we were playing hide and seek." She smiled softly.

  " Might as well be! It takes forever to find your fancy arse around here! So why are you hiding from everyone anyhow?" Sera gave her a smirk and Kazix knew there was no escape.

  "I'm not ...Hiding... per-say.... I'm taking a break in a undisclosed location."

  " And I am the Empress of Orlais." Sera snorted as Kazix giggled and shifted. She hung by her knees from the beam letting her arms stretch towards the water fall below Sera shifted back a step with concern. Kazix smiled knowing how rare it was to see Sera show an emotion besides insane.

  " Hey even The Herald Of Andraste need to escape sometimes." She stretched long arching her back and letting out a soft moan that seemed to spark an image in Sera's mind that made her smirk and blush a funny pink shade. " All this" She gestured vaguely around with her hands." Gets over whelming sometimes. Even with you and my brothers...even Cullen... I still need to escape ...from me." She smiled softly at Sera who's expression softened. Kazix pulled herself back up on to the beam and in one swift movement tackled Sera. "Got cha! Tag! Your it!" And with that she took off giggling leaving Sera flushed on the floor with a jumbled pool of anger, fear, concern, and, arousal in her chest.

  " That woman...." She smirked and ran after Kazix to get her revenge.

Kazix was giggling as she ran, knowing Sera would be upon her soon. She ran through the lesser traveled halls of Skyhold and made a mad dash for the Library below the throne room. She grabbed the door way to help guide her momentum as she took the final turn but her face met with cold steel and a loud crack. She was seeing stars and heard Cullen's voice faintly as she giggled and slumped to the floor.

~~~~~~

  "Maker!" Cullen caught Kazix only after her full force collision with his chest plate. He heard a sickening crack as she crumpled in to his arms with a small giggle. " Kazix! Can you hear me?! Kaz!" He cradled her to his chest and wiped the small trickle of blood from her temple.  His brow furrowed and he carried her quickly and discreetly to her chambers sending a scout to fetch Solas along the way.


	10. That really hurt...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about the long wait. I have just been completely swamped lately. My boyfriend is in the hospital so while he sleeps I wrote this up. Let me know what you think =)

   Kaz sat in the ashes of the sacred temple. She was face down in the dirt and she could taste the blood in the back of her throat. She sat up quickly and winced at the pain in her head. She heard the clatter of a shield and then her own scream.  
   Her eyes jumped to the source and she watched her self-begin a futile assault on Cullen. She took a deep breath and sighed. She was dreaming. She watched herself crumple in to his arms and fall in to sobs. She shook her head and laughed. she had made such a fool of herself. She walked slowly beside Cullen as he carried her back to Haven. She noticed the determination on his face as he walked. It was as if he was determined to keep her safe. This thought made Kaz blush.  
   She giggle and the scene shifted to Skyhold. Suddenly she was standing on her balcony looking over all the inquisition had to its name. She took a deep breath, taking in the cold air. She huffed out a small cloud of vapor and turned to face her quarters. She was quite startled to come nose to nose with Solas. She took a quick step back and pushed against the balcony.

  "My lady." Solas said rather calmly as Kaz caught her breath.  
  "You startled me." She breathed a quick reply and composed herself.  
  "I have come to retrieve you. You have been wandering for some time." She cocked her head at him and raised an eyebrow.  
  "Wandering? I haven’t been asleep that long..." She trailed trying to find some semblance of time.  
   " Time is different in the fade. I healed you hours ago but you still slumber. I was worried, as was the commander. He feels terribly guilty. I figured I would put him out of his misery and check up on you."  
  "We...We are in the Fade?...Well that explains a lot. wait, why does the Commander feel guilty?" She took a step forward and the fade shifted behind Solas to reveal Cullen sitting on the floor beside her bed with his head in his hands. She was sleeping in the bed with her hand resting on his shoulder. Kaz looked back at Solas who nodded in Cullen's direction.  
  "You must not remember running full speed in to the Commanders chest plate. You nearly cracked your skull." She rubbed her temple and frowned at his pained expression.  
  "Well this just won’t do." She walked over to Cullen and kneeled down in front of him. She examined his face and knit her brow. " how do I get back?"  
  "Simple, just Wake up--"

   Taking in a large gasp she shot up from her bed almost smacking Cullen. He jumped up quickly and turned to face her.  
   "Your awake?!" He seemed just as startled as Kaz. She took in another breath and let it out slowly to compose herself.  
   "I had the oddest dream...."She rubbed her temple and looked over to him. "Are you all right? You look pale." She cocked her head at him and he let out a loud laugh.  
   "You just about break your skull on my armor and aske ME if in alright? Kaz I was terrified. Are YOU alright?" She blushed as the memories of the fade rushed back to her. She smiled at him and crawled out from under her covers. She kneeled on the edge of the bed and she was almost nose to nose with him. She wrapped her arms around his neck and smiled in to his neck. He stiffened in shock but slowly let his arms close around her waist.  
   "Thank you. For caring so much." She smiled in to his skin as she felt his muscles relax.  
   " I am just glad you are alright Kaz" He smiled and placed a soft kiss in her hair.

~~~~~~~~  
   'Inquisitor? Has a ring to it I suppose...' They had been calling her that since they arrived in Skyhold but she hadn’t given it much thought until the Orlesian ball loomed over head. It was fast approaching but she much preferred adventuring about in Crestwood and speaking with Alistair. He was quite a handsome Warden. Speaking with the hero of Kirkwall was interesting. She was quite informative and seemed to be a kindred spirit of sorts. She spent a good amount of time clearing up the details of Varric’s exaggerated tale.  
   She could move on the wardens or put it off until after the ball. She was sitting up on the roof of the tavern gazing at the snow covered peaks. She had spent some quality time with Cole and Sera before climbing to her perch. She had grown very fond of them both as her journey progressed. Sera was fun to flirt with and Cole was like Connor, another little brother. She was glad Cullen was not around to hear the filthy words her and Sera exchanged during their roof top chats.  
    "Kaz? " His voice came from below as half a question and half an order to get down immediately. Connor stood below on the ramparts glaring up at her. She giggled and slid down to meet him.  
   "What trouble have you gotten in to this time?" She smiled and ruffled his hair.  
   " Me? You are the Herald/Inquisitor who climbs to deadly perches." He laughed and pushed her playfully.

  "That has to be assault on a stupidly titled person. Someone call the guards!" Kaz laughed and hooked his arm in hers lading him along the ramparts. "How are you feeling about all, “She gestured vaguely around with her hands, " This?"

  “Its ...interesting to say the least. I never thought we would be in a place like this. Granted we are nobility but this is a fortress. And you, no offense Kazzy Kat, at the helm? Who knew?" she hip checked him and smiled.

  "I know; Father would laugh if he saw me in my ridiculous garb for the ball." A sad smile crossed her face as her mind drifted to a distant memory. Connor squeezed her hand and gave her a weak smile.

  "Mother would be in her glory to see you all dolled up like some painted toy she used to try and tempt you with. " Kaz tried to hide the sadness on her face but Connor knew. He pulled her in to a tight hug and smiled. "That Commander Cullen seems quite taken with you Kazzy Kat. Should I go beat him up for good measure? Is that manly enough?" Kaz sputtered out a laugh at the Idea of Connor trying to fight Cullen.

  "Protecting my honor dear brother? No need to worry. Cullen is a good man and he cares for me..."She blushed deeply as the words passed her lips "He has been very...Kind, with this whole ordeal. Also we are just comrades for the time being. No need to draw your blade just yet." He smiled and kissed her on the forehead.

  "For the time being. I am not blind Kaz. I can see when a man is interested in my sister." He raised an eyebrow and gave her a knowing stare. She giggled and swatted him on the chest.

  " Come spar with me. I think I am going to move up the assault on adamant fortress to before the ball. I need to practice." Kaz took his hand and lead him down to the training field with Cassandra.


	11. First kiss

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> School is literally killing me. This story is my only sanity.
> 
> Update: I am half way-ish on the next chapter. It will be up soon!

    Kaz was sitting in the barn spending some quality time with General. She had found many mounts and loved them all but General held a special place in her heart. She was sitting on his back and putting small braids in his main as she hummed quietly. Blackwall was admiring her whilst he worked on his gryphon. They had grown close through their mutual obsession with the Grey wardens. She spent a lot of time talking with him whilst she looked after her mounts.

  " Lady Kaz, forgive my personal curiosity but how are you and the Commander?" Blackwall cast her a sideways glance and saw her stiffen and flush. He let out a gruff laugh,"Oh you thought that was a secret?"

  " We... er.. The Commander and I are well....?" she gave him a weak smile but she crumbled under his raised brow. " We have been playing chess often, Spending more time together..."

  "Chess? Hmm that is not what we called it when I was young." Kazix turned bright red and buried her face in Generals mane. General turned so she was exposed to Blackwall.

   " Traitor" she hissed and tried to gather herself. " Its not like that..We are still getting to know each other..."

   "So you are both to afraid to make the first move?" He said bluntly. Kazix gave him a weak smile and he laughed. "You two have something special and we may not have much time left. Take advantage of a good thing Kazix." He smiled warmly as Kazix turned bright red. "Why don't you go interrupt him? I am sure he needs a break." Kaz sat atop general fiddling with his mane. He suddenly reared up and Kaz rolled gracelessly off his back. He whinnied and turned around to nuzzled her with his nose.

  "Since when is he on your side?!" Kaz hissed as she wiped herself off and pulled a piece of hay from her hair. Blackwall just laughed as General continued to shoo her towards Cullen's office.

  Kaz had been thinking about talking to him about what they had become but she didn't want to push him. He had told her about his decision to stop taking Lryium. His headaches concerned her but she wanted to support him in his decision. She had started throwing more chess matches to make him feel better but she was starting to think he was on to her.

  She walked along the ramparts towards his office slower than usual. She took in the scenery like it was the last time she would ever see it. With the way things were going, it might just be. She took in a deep breath of chilly air and held it for a long time. She exhaled a large cloud of vapor as she approached his door. She paused with her hand outstretched towards the handle. She looked back on all the memories she had with him so far and smiled.

  'It will be ok..' She tried to comfort herself. 'With that much good, I have to tell him how much he means to me.' She mustered her courage and pushed open the Door.

  As it swung open quietly she saw him asleep on his desk. His head resting on his crossed arms. Kaz smiled warmly and walked behind him. She gently rubbed the spots on his shoulders she could get to around his armor.  he stirred slightly and Kaz shushed him before he had a chance to protest. She rubbed the back of his neck and ran he nails softly over his scalp. He let out a low moan and leaned in to her touch. Kaz smiled and Cullen grabbed her hands and pulled her around in front of him. He kissed her fingers and smiled up at her.

 "You are a welcome distraction." he offed quietly as he pulled her close.

 " You seemed so very busy I thought you could use a break." She giggled and all her nerves and doubts were lost as his eyes met hers.

 " I was wondering if we could go somewhere to talk alone?" She looked at him with a small smile and blush blooming across her cheeks. He stiffened a bit and nodded. He stood and took her hand leading her out on to the ramparts. He seemed stressed already. Kaz started to second guess herself.

  " Its a nice day.." Cullen said as he rubbed the back of his neck and stared off in to the distance.

  " What?" Kaz asked as she was ripped away from her panicked thoughts.

  "Is there something you wished to discuss?" He asked nervously

  " I find myself thinking about you. More than,.."She whinged her hands and looked away from him " Well, All the time really..."

   " I cant say I haven't wondered what it would be like." He took a few steps forward and Kaz stayed close behind him.

  " Whats stopping you?" She felt fear swell in her chest. Her thoughts had completely derailed.

  "You're the Inquisitor. Were at war. And you...I didn't think it was possible."

  "And yet I am still here."

   " And so you are....It seems to much to ask." He leaned in as he spoke and Kaz felt her heart racing. His lips were so close to hers. "But I want to--"

  "Commander!" A scout rushed up to them looking down at a missive and Kazix had never seen such fury on Cullen's face. "You wanted a copy of sister Leliana's report sir."

  "What?!" He hissed back at the scout. Kaz turned away slightly to hide her flush.

  " Sister Leliana's report. You wanted it delivered "without delay"." The seething rage on Cullen's face was enough to have Kazix fighting back a bout of laughter. The scout looked back and forth between them and Kazix blush returned with a vengeance. "Or ..to your office... Right..." Kazix had never seen a man scurry away from Cullen with just a look. She was disappointed but the comedy was almost worth it.

  "If you need to--" She was cut off by his lips crashing in to hers. She was shocked at first but returned his fevered kiss after a beat. His passion felt like an explosion between them. She wrapped her arms around him as his arms snaked around her and pulled her close. He slowly pulled away from her and took a shuddered breath.

  "I'm sorry.. That was.. um.. really nice."

  "I believe that was a kiss. But it was all a blurr" Kaz smiled playfully." I may need another shot at that to make sure."

  "That can be arranged" He laughed and moved in to take her lips again. She felt amazing. She kissed him like her life depended on it, running her fingers through his hair. As the sun set behind them she felt her whole world shift around this one , perfectly imperfect man.

 

 


	12. Adamant

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> School is picking up again. sorry for the short chapter. I also didn't get to run it through spell check since I am at work =(

  The battle at the fortress had changed her. So many Wardens and Inquisition soldiers lost because of Corypheus and his plotting.Alistair and Hawke... They had become her friends. The decision was heart retching but she is the only one who can stop Corypheus. If she could have, she would have stayed but she knew her own selfish reason forbid her. Cullen was still fighting outside the rift. She couldn't let him die, or worse, be left alone again. The fade had shown her all the things she truly feared. Showed her how her Father died, and how it was all her fault.

   "Father!" She called over the throng of Templar between them. He saw her wave and began to push through the men to get to his beloved Daughter. He was a tall man with slightly greying hair. A short goatee and mustache adorned his warm face. His eyes were Icy blue, just like Kazix. He wore heavy plate armor fit for a king. The intricate detail etched in to his chest plate always fascinated Kazix. When he made it to her she embrace him with a face splitting grin.

    "My Kazy! I feared you lost amongst the political suitors for all time." He joked and poked at her in her fine clothes. " Oh hush Daddy! You know mother insisted I wear his junk instead of my armor. Not that I didn't bring it or stash it in here to change in to once the political nonsense was over!" She smiled wide and his warm chuckle made her feel at home even in a pinchy gown.

     "She is going to be so cross when she hears,but that's my girl." He smiled and put a protective arm around her shoulders." None of those," He paused and made a sour face like the word tasted bad in his mouth." _Boys_ Have been rude, right?" She giggled and sighed.

    "You know I can handle those wimpy pretenders in their shiny gold armor. I do listen to mother _Sometimes_. She taught me how to tactfully fend them off. And if that wont work I will just punch them." Her father laughed.

    "That you would. And let me tell you, That right hook is a killer" He rubbed his jaw, still sore from this mornings sparring match." The political portion should be done for now. Go change in to your armor. Just in case."

   "You don't have to tell me twice. I will be right back Daddy!" She kissed him on the cheek and eloquently floated out of the room like a proper dignitary.

   As she walked the halls taking in the beauty of the architecture, she couldn't help but think about the Warden. The Grey Warden who helped find this holy place and rescue it from the clutches of mad men AND a dragon. She shuttered to think such an amazing person walked the halls before her.

  She found her stashed armor and quickly began to strap it on. She rolled up her skirts to about knee length so they would impede her less. the rest or her armor fit snugly over the gown. As she buckled the last clip on her arm guard she heard some one talking in a gruff angry voice. She tilted her head, as she braided her long red locks, to see if she could hear anything. A sudden cry from a woman made her snap in to action. Father had her weapons but this didn't sound like it could wait. She moved quickly to the source and saw an incredible and disturbing sight. The Divine in some kind or trap. There were Grey Wardens around her. She breathed a sigh of relief. They must have it under control.

  The more she listened the less she believed that. She gathered her courage and stepped forward "What is going on here?"

  And that is how she ended up with the mark. The Divine died trying to save her. The worst part was seeing her Father round the corner, weapon drawn trying to find her just as she was sucked in to the veil. The look of sheer terror and sadness on his face as she was pulled in to the fade and the explosion throwing him in a violent and horrific second. The last time she ever saw him was the second before he died. If he had stayed outside or even waited at camp he could have lived. But he came to find her because she had wandered the halls to long remincing about the Warden. She put him in danger and now he was gone.

  After the fade revealed the final pieces of her memory she collapsed on the ground. Sera put her arms around her and pulled her in. Dorian looked at her like she was a hurt animal, and Cassandra turned away to hide how much she was affected. Kazix was panting and fighting her tears. She wouldn't show this monster how weak she felt. Alistair offered her a hand, which she took shakily, and pulled her to her feet. Hawke stood strong in the wake of the revelation and walked to Kazix. She put her arms around her and hugged her tight. The sudden show of affection took Kaz by surprise and snapped her from her thoughts.

  "I know it feels like its your fault. It's not. Don't remember him like that. Remember him as he looked upon you with pride at the woman you have become. Don't let this destroy you."Hawke whispered the words in her ear and it took all Kazix had not to just sob in to her arms. They had talked about Hawke's mother and Kaz knew she spoke from experience. She hugged her back and quietly thanked her.

  They fought their way through the fade battling all manner of demon and terrifying visions. The demon prodded her and fed on her anguish. She was more angry than anything and that is what kept her going. After what looked like their victory Kaz had to make a choice. Hawke or Alistair. They had both become her friends and now she had to let some one else die. She gritted her teeth and looked back.

   Hawke smiled at her with pain in her eyes. " Only you can save them. I believe in you. Don't blame your self for this. I choose to stay Kaz." She nodded Alistair on and sighed. Say goodbye to Varric for me." She pushed on towards the mighty beast with daggers drawn.

  Kaz spared one last glance as she followed Alistair out of the fade. Hawke was laughing. Laughing as tears streamed town her face.

 

  The wardens  were shaken but found strength in Alistair. Kaz would have to break the news to Varric when she returned to Skyhold. Kaz pulled the remaining Wardens under the Inquisition's banner. Alistair would be an invaluable resource in the days to come. The grey Wardens knew the most about the darkspawn. Cullen had captured Corypheus' mage. She was more relived that Cullen was ok than to hear about the mage. Once her wave of relief subsided it was replaced with rage. Corypheus would pay. Pay with his life for all he had taken.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 Kaz had to find a new place to hide after Adamant. Skyhold was bustling with people and all her usual spots were know to most of her companions. For now she needed to be alone. Varric had been so destroyed when he found out about Hawke. Kaz was having a hard time heading Hawke's words and not blaming herself. There was a small area beneath her quarters that was never really renovated. there were scaffolds but no workers. She climbed down to the bottom of the tower. It may have connected to the under croft at some point but all she could hear was the water. There she sat, for hours. She heard a few people check her room for her but made no indication of where she was. She did this often as a child. When her mother would forbid her from training with her brothers. She knew her family castle better than anyone.

  She just needed to breath. She needed to not be the Inquisitor, the Herald, the hero. She sighed and buried her face in her hands. She kept replaying her memories of the conclave. If only she had done something different. So many what if's. She would drive herself mad. She let out a choked sob and heard movement above her. she hoped it was only the ravens but she couldn't get that lucky.

  Cullen looked over the railing to see her curled up under a scaffold. He wasn't as panicked as he was when he started looking for her an hour ago but was still worried. He began his decent in his loud clunky armor. Kaz cam out from her spot and watched him descend with slight amusement and puffy eyes. He had made it almost all the way down when he slipped and landed flat on his back at Kaz's feet. She knelt beside him and placed her hands on his face.

  "Are you ok?! You shouldn't have made the climb. I would have come up if you had called." She stroked his face to which he caught her hand and kissed her palm. He grunted and winced as he sat up.

  "Well, now I know for next time." He smiled and held her hand in his. " I was worried..." She smiled at him but frowned when he wiped a stray tear from her face.

  " I am sorry....I should have told you I was ok before running away to a new hiding spot." He smiled and pulled her in to his arms.

  " I am just glad you are safe. When I saw the rift swallow you up, I.." He squeezed her tight to his chest. She nuzzled in to him and left small kisses on his cheek.

  "I fought for you." He pulled away and looked her in the eye with a raised brow. " I didn't want to die because you would be hurt. I should have fought for the world. I should have fought for revenge. But all my heart kept screaming was "Don't leave him alone"." Cullen took her face in his hands and kissed her softly. She wrapped her arms around him and deepened their kiss.   

  Cullen was her anchor in this heinous mess. He smiled and rested his forehead against hers. She had no idea how much he cared for her and he wanted to show her.

  "Come with me. I have something I want to show you." He kissed her cheeks then stood pulling her up with him. After a short comical climb they left Skyhold on General and a white stallion Cullen borrowed from the stables.

 


	13. The Lake

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am procrastinating homework so bad right now but I missed Cullen

  The ride was long but she loved it. They were originally accompanied by a group of soldiers but once they made camp Cullen and Kaz had slipped away into the night. Accompanying Cullen on one of his inquisition tasks was kind of fun, but she didn't think it was the only reason he asked her along. She watched the stars overhead as her and Cullen chatted quietly. She told him about the comical exchange in the barn and how he should thank General for pushing her to go see him. He laughed at that and made a mental note to bring the horse a ridiculous barrel of carrots and oats.

  Once they came close to the docks he dismounted and helped Kaz down from General. Not that she needed it, but she accepted it because she knew he wanted to show her he cared in every simple thing. He took her hand and walked slowly to the edge of the Dock taking in the night’s sky.

  "Where are we?" Kaz asked as she took in the beauty of the lake. She had not been to a place like this since she had snuck off one night when she was a teenager. Boy was her mother mad when she came back.

  "You walk in to danger every day. I wanted to take you away from that, if only for a moment." He took her hand and laced his fingers with hers pulling her close to his side. " I grew up not far from here. This place was always quiet." He leaned against the post on the edge of the dock pulling Kaz to rest her back against him so he could rest his hands on her hips.

  "Come here often?" She giggled to herself. It sounded like a cheesy pick up line. She leaned in to him and placed her hands over his.

  "I loved my siblings, but they were very loud. I would come here to clear my head. Of course, they always found me eventually."

  "You were happy here?" She asked leaning her head back on his shoulder so she could look up at him.

  "I was. I still am." He looked down at her and kissed her cheek softly.

  " It’s beautiful." Kaz snuggled closer and pulled his arms around her.

  " The last time I was here was the day I left for Templar training." He retrieved one of his hands from her grasp and fished into his pocket. " My brother gave me this. It just happened to be in his pocket, but he said it was for luck." he turned the coin over in his hand. "Templars are not supposed to carry such things. Our faith should see us through."

   "You broke the orders rules? I'm Shocked" Kaz giggled as she teased him.

   "Until a year ago I was very good at following them. Most of the time. This was the only thing I took from Ferelden that the Templars didn't give me." He paused and pulled her hand into his pressing the coin into her palm. "Humor me. We don't know what you will face before the end. This can't hurt." She smiled and curled her fingers around the warm coin with a smile.

   "I'll keep it safe." She turned in his arms to face him and he placed a hand lovingly on her face.

   "Good. I know it's foolish but... I'm glad." He closed the distance between them and kissed her softly. Kaz wrapped her arms around him and ran her fingers through his hair. When they finally parted he rested his forehead against hers. " You know how important you are to me, right?" He tried to hide the desperation in his voice but Kaz could feel it coursing through his body. He wanted to protect her so badly but he knew he couldn't. He knew he would have to let her walk into the void with nothing but his prayers and a silly coin to keep her safe.

   "Yes... Just as you know that you mean everything to me." She let a sad smile cross her features. She didn't mean to but it slipped. She loved him more than anything but she was sad that he was all she had left to hold on to. She loved her brothers but they could never be there for her like her father was. She could never burden them with the life of the inquisitor. Cullen was the only one who  _knew_ what was really going on and stayed by her side when she fell apart.

  " I know this is all...overwhelming." He struggled to find the words and kissed her cheeks softly to give him time to think of the right ones. "I will always be here for whatever you need of me. If I have to fight corypheus myself, I will." She pulled him close and crushed her body against his almost sending both of them into the lake.

  "Let's stay here tonight." She whispered into his chest. He rested his chin on top of her head and smiled softly. " I need you with me." She looked up at him with feigned strength. He smirked down at her and kissed her forehead.

  "Ok. You will have to give me a little while to set up the troops and tell my men how to signal me if anything should go wrong. We are not far enough from them for it to be a real problem but I want them prepared either way." She gave him a half smile and kissed him softly. There was more emotion in that kiss than he could sort out. Fear, sadness, bravery, love, and utter anguish. He could tell something had brought her sadness to the surface and only hoped it wasn't something he said.

  He rode back to the camp quickly as Kaz sat on the edge of the dock dangling her bare feet in the water. General clopped his way down the dock and rested his head on her shoulder. She scratched his jaw as she watched the stars above.

  "What am I going to do? I love him. He loves me. Can I really do this to him? Going after corypheus is a suicide mission. I am....in all likelihood, going to die." General let out a sad whiny and pushed her lightly. " I know boy. Can I really let him love me when all it will do is shatter him when I die?” The tears were reaching her voice and she tried to fight it back." He has suffered so already. What right do I have to do that to him?" She turned to hug general as the tears flowed. He nuzzled her softly and let her cry. Cullen was there for her but there were things she could not even show him. 

  After a few long minutes she scooped up some water and rinsed her face off in hopes of calming her puffy eyes. She kissed general on the nose and gave him a treat she had in her pocket. She built a small campfire and sat beside it turning the coin over in her hands. Andraste. Of course it would have Andraste on it. She laughed at herself. She found herself resenting her title and the Maker more and more with each battle. Why her? Hawke would have been a much better Inquisitor. That brought a new wave of sadness that she did her best to swallow. This life was wearing on her. She never thought she would ever be caught up in a mess like this let alone without her father and down one brother as well. With a snort she grabbed a rock from beside her andhurled it across the lake. She pocketed the coin and looked for more stones. Each one she found she threw with more force. By the time she heard Cullen approaching her arm was sore.

  " All clear Kaz. The men will be fine without me for the night." He said over his shoulder as he dismounted. He unpacked a tent from his horse's saddle bags and set to setting it up. She was oddly quiet but he did not want to press her while she was upset. As he finished setting up the tent he was kneeled in front of it and he felt her slump her body over him. She wrapped her arms around him and kissed at his neck. His blush raged at the sudden contact. He tugged her arm pulling he gently down so she was sitting on the grass beside him looking up at him.

  "Thanks for staying with me." Her words were a soft whisper only met for him. His flamed cheeks calmed as he leaned down to kiss her softly.

   "Staying with you is what makes me the happiest I have been in a very long time. No thanks are necessary." He kissed her once more and smirked. " Want to grab the blankets?" She smiled up at him and nodded heading towards his horse.

   After a few short minutes of wrestling his armor off and settling down she returned to find him in just a light pair of pants. It was her turn to blush now. She tossed a blanket at him covering his head. He laughed and wrestled it off. She tried to reign in her wandering mind with little success. But an evil smirk crossed her features, two can play at this game. She kneeled down with her back to him and slowly unbuttoned her over shirt. Cullen was already a puddle of heat and awkward jokes in his head before she was even 4 buttons down. She shrugged it off her shoulders leaving her in a light sleeveless undershirt. She shimmied out of her pants revealing the light shorts she had on underneath. When she turned to face him Cullen was burning holes into the floor. All of the sudden she was self-conscious. She crossed her arms over her chest and sat awkwardly.

  "I--If you are not comfortable with this... we...we don’t..." She trailed off as his eyes caught hers.

  " I-- I'm sorry to stare I --I mean...I just... You are very beautiful..." He stammered and struggled to keep his gaze on her eyes. She smirked and scooted a little closer to him. Cullen took the hint and opened his arms to her. She snuggled up close to his side and laid back with him. Feeling his bare skin was a whole new level of intimate. She couldn't even think of a time she had seen him without armor. She ran her hand slowly across his stomach feeling his muscles react to her fingers.

  " This is a first." She let out a small laugh and he looked down at her, face still bright red. " In a lot of ways.... First time seeing you out of your armor. First time seeing you without a shirt. First time we get to sleep beside one another.... First time I have ever been this close to a man...." She whispered that last one like she was ashamed of it. He shifted to face her more and she could feel her whole face burning.

  "First time you have...? So you have never...?" He trailed off and she buried her face in her hands." That's ok." He chuckled and she looked up at him with her usual ' I am going to kill you' look." I am not making fun of you! Don't give me the death threat face. I was going to say that is fine. I just didn't expect it." She raised an eyebrow with an indignant snort. "Not like that! Not that I think you slept around! Not-- oh Maker... Can I start over?" She couldn't hold back her laughter any longer and barked out in a very un-ladylike way.

  "I think I know what you were trying to say. It is hard to believe little miss warrior has never bedded a man." She laughed weakly at herself.

  " Not the words I would use but we both saw how good I was at picking my own words. You are just so strong and confident. It never crossed my mind that you hadn't chosen a suitor at one time or another."

  "That's just it. All the  _suitors_ were unbearable. They were all so entitled and expected  **ME** to bend to their will. I never met anyone I actually cared for. I put all of my time into training with my brothers and father." She trailed off and sat up beside him. She wrapped her arms around her knees and glanced over at him." Honestly I never even thought I would make it this far with someone."

  " Then I am honored you chose me." He laughed at himself. He never could get his words to come out the way he wanted them to. " I have had relationships in the past but I thought that part of my life was over after the circle incident. It was just not something I cared for anymore... That is until I met you." He sat up and cupped her face gently." Just lay with me? Sleeping with you at my side.... Would really make me feel better." Kaz released her legs and covered one of his hands with hers. She kissed his palm softly and nodded yes. He pulled her in and she curled up to him resting her head on his chest. He hugged her close and caressed her arm softly. 

  She felt him drift off. His breathing slowed and his hand stopped moving. She drew small circles on his chest as she listened to him breathe. He was covered in scars. Some small and some large and deep. His skin looked on the outside how she felt inside. They were 2 sides of the same coin. No wonder she loved him so much. She let herself drift off to the sound of his steady heartbeat praying that she would never be the cause of its pain.


	14. The Ball

**Notes for the Chapter:**

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> <http://kaenthedark.tumblr.com/post/142036945976/my-inquisitor-kazix-at-the-winter-palace-3-from>  
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> I decided to show yall how I see Kazix and her dress for the ball.... On the tumblr I never use.

                The trip back to Skyhold was almost sad. She loved spending time with Cullen. Sleeping beside him was a whole new experience and had only strengthened her feelings for him. She was already mapping out the quietest route to his office so she could sneak into his bed in the following nights.

                That was another thing she loved about him. He was so gentle with her. He was a strong and powerful man who could frighten soldiers with a glance but he was so different with her. He treated her like a fine glass sculpture. In a way she was. After all that had happened her walls had come down so much and her facades had crumbled. She just didn’t have the energy to put them up anymore.

                She had put off her preparations for the ball as long as she could. As soon as she set foot in Skyhold Vivienne swept her up chiding her for waiting so long. Cullen gave her a sympathetic smile as Kaz was dragged off by the pushy mage.

                 The next few days flew by in a haze of corsets and way too much time with Vivienne. By the time she was released she was so exhausted she would go to sleep only to be woken by Viv calling her back in to the torture. She hadn’t even had a chance to see Cullen, but he was just as busy preparing the inquisition for the journey to the winter palace. 

                Kazix was trapped in a gown her mother would have thoroughly approved of. It was deep purple with golden bands that held it tight to her body. The skirt was freed at her hips and billowed around her as she walked. Golden heels and fingerless gloves to match. Gold bands adorned her arms and wrist. The only part she approved of was the ruby gems sewn in to the front from her chest to the lowest gold band. Her hair was pinned up on one side and the rest billowed over her shoulder and back in loose curls. She had to admit she looked good but she was concerned about having to strap her armor on over it. She hadn’t had to deal with all the finery and ridiculousness of political events in a while. She was a tad rusty. She had chosen Cole, Dorian, and Blackwall to accompany her on this crazy endeavor.

                Gaspard was unbearable. She played nice with him, making him think he had her support. Her political mask falling in place like it always had. She quickly moved on heading Josephine’s warnings about how the game really worked.

                She made a graceful entrance alongside Gaspard. The gasps at her entrance only fueled her feeling of control. She knew she could do this. Mother had prepared her for anything they could throw at her. She kept her answers neutral trying not to reveal anything that could be used against the inquisition. It was a barrage of people with all kinds of warnings for the first hour, both from her side and Celine. She was already growing weary of the ball. She began to look around the court, poking around in anywhere she could get to find more information.

                The bells rang signaling for the return to the main hall. As Kaz turned around he attention was caught by a beautiful woman descending the stairs. She assumed this to be the apostate Leliana had warned her of because of her dark appearance. Something was familiar about her though, like she had read of her in a story book.

                “Well, well, what have we here? The leader of the new Inquisition, Fabled Herald of the faith. Delivered from the grasp of the fade by the hand of the blessed Andraste herself.” The sarcasm was palpable in the air. She rested her hands on her hips and smiled wickedly. “What could bring such an exalted creature here to the imperial court, I wonder? Do you even know?”

                “We may never know. Courtly intrigues and all that.” Kaz crossed her arms and smirked. She was not going to be intimidated.

                “Such intrigues obscure much, but not all. I am Morrigan. Some call me advisor to Empress Celine on matters of the arcane.” The realization hit her like a book to the face. Morrigan. THE Morrigan. The Wardens companion. That is where she recognized her from. The descriptions in the stories did not do her justice. Kaz followed as she turned to walk towards the court.  “You… Have been very busy this evening, hunting in every dark corner of the palace. Perhaps you and I hunt the same prey?”

“I don’t know. Do we?” Kaz had to control her urge to barrage Morrigan with questions about the Warden. She needed to keep a cool head and a firm defense. Morrigan chuckled at her.

                “You are being coy”

                “I’m being careful.”

                “Not unwise, here of all places. Allow me to speak first, then. Recently I found, and killed, an unwelcome guest within these very halls. An agent of Tevinter. So I offer you this, Inquisitor: a key found on the Tevinter’s body. Where it leads, I cannot say. Yet if Celine is in danger, I cannot leave her side long enough to search. You can.”

                “Briala’s people are whispering about disappearances in the servants’ quarters. This key may lead there.” Kaz turned the small key over in her hands. The game was far worse than normal politics. She knew she hated Orlesian events for a reason.

                “The ambassador does have eyes and ears everywhere, Does she not? Proceeded with caution, inquisitor. Enemies abound, and not all of them aligned with Tevinter.” Kaz followed her back to the main door. “What comes next will be most exciting.” Morrigan turned and left her on that note. Maybe she was right.

                Gathering her party and donning her armor she took to exploring the servants’ quarters. It did not take her long to find bodies.  Moving through the palace quickly she had a run in with Briala. She was very untrusting of her. She just screamed “I AM A SPY I WILL BETRAY YOUUUUUUU”. It was not a risk she was willing to take. Moving back to the main hall she stashed her armor and fixed herself so she looked perfectly proper once more. She made her way to the main room and finally found the time to sneak over to Cullen for a private chat, or so she thought.

                When she found him he was surrounded by a throng of Orlesian’s. He looked terribly annoyed and hopelessly lost in the thrall of things. She smiled softly and pushed forward breaking through the crowd.

                The relieved sigh he let out when their eyes met made Kaz beam towards him. He took her hand and Pulled her off to the side to give them some distance from his fan club.

                “Kazix. Oh thank the maker. These people won’t leave me alone.” She giggled at him and squeezed his hand.

                “My illustrious commander can’t handle a few Orlesian’s fawning over him?” she teased and he blushed, reaching back and rubbing his neck.

                “I can’t very well draw my sword and fight them off. I was never any good at these things…”

“Not enjoying the attention, then?” He snorted at that.

“Hardly. Anyways yours…” He cleared his throat and lowed his voice. “Yours is the only attention worth having.” He sighed and looked down at Kaz. Now that he had a moment to breath he took in her appearance. “Kaz... I... You look…Incredible…” He placed a hand softly on her cheek and she felt her whole body warm at his touch. Having him so close made the whole situation slightly more bearable.

                “Thank you. You are looking quite handsome as well, in your formal attire. I am seeing you in all kinds of new ways recently.” His face burned and she couldn’t help but laugh.

                “Ah… Um… Did you need anything?” He tried to change the subject and salvage his thoughts.

                “I don’t suppose you would save a dance for me?” She asked shyly

                “No, thank you.” His automatic response gave her quite a shock and she was quite disheartened

                “Oh…Okay.” Her smile faltered and her eyes shot to the floor.

                “No! I didn’t mean to—Makers breath! I’ve answered that question so many times I’m rejecting it automatically. I’m not one for dancing. The Templars never attended balls.” She smirked up at him.

                “It’s ok. I’ll leave you to your fan club then. I hear Florianne is looking for me.” She squeezed his hand softly and left him to the throng of Orlesian’s. He immediately regretted not taking Kaz up on her offer to dance. It would have at least gotten him away from these people even if he stepped on her toes a few times.

                Kaz walked over to where Duchess Florianne was waiting and couldn’t help but hear a small yelp from Cullen followed by “Did you just touch my bottom?”. She chuckled to herself. ‘that’s what he gets for not dancing with me.’

                “Inquisitor Trevelyan. We met briefly. I am Grand Duchess Florianne De Chalons. Welcome to my party.” She bowed slightly and Kaz returned the gesture.

                “Why am I not at all surprised that you want to see me now?”

                “This is Orlais, Inquisitor. Nothing happens by accident. I believe tonight you and I are both concerned by the actions of… a certain person. Come, dance with me. The spies will not hear us on the dance floor.” Kaz followed her gracefully.

                “Very well. Shall we dance your grace?”

                “I’d be delighted.” Kaz followed her on to the dance floor and began dancing, taking her hand. “You are from the Freemarches, are you not? How much do you know about our little war?

                “I assure you the effects of this war reach far beyond the borders of the Orlesian empire.”

                “Perhaps it does. I should not be surprised to find that the empire is the center of everyone’s world. It took great efforts to arrange tonight’s negotiations, yet one party would use this event for blackest treason. The security of the empire is at stake. Neither one of us wishes to see it fall.” The moved together as the talked dancing effortlessly with the music and the crowd.

                “Do we both want that Lady Florianne?”

                “I hope we are of one mind on this.”

“In times like these it is hard to tell friend from foe, is it not, your grace?”

 “I know you arrived here as a guest of my brother Gaspard and have been everywhere in the palace. You are a curiosity to many, Inquisitor. And a matter of concern to some.” The swayed gracefully across the dance floor together, their skirts flowing in to one another.

                “Am I the curiosity or the concern to you, your grace?”

                “A little of both actually. This evening is of great importance, Inquisitor. I wonder what role you will play. Do you even yet know who is friend and who is foe or who in the court that can be trusted?” Kaz took to leading the dance and Florianne followed her steps perfectly.

                “An excellent question, your Grace. I might ask the same of you.” The music picked up and they began to spin in an elegant display. Pulling Florianne back in she whispered to Kaz.

                “In the winter palace everyone is alone. It cannot have escaped your notice that certain parties are engaged in dangerous machinations tonight.”

                “I thought dangerous machinations were the national sport in Orlais.” Kaz spun Florianne dipping her low in with a flourish earning the applause of the crowd.

                “You have little time. The attack will come soon. You must stop Gaspard before he strikes. In the royal wing garden you will find the captain of my brother’s mercenaries. He knows all Gaspard’s secrets. I am sure you can persuade him to be forthcoming.” Kaz and Florianne shared a final bow as the dance ended.

                “We shall see what the night has in store, wont we?” Kaz floated eloquently off the dance floor leaving Florianne to ponder her words.

                Convening with her advisors they quickly discussed the events so far. Kaz was adamant about saving Celine. They had come so far to save her, Kazix was not a fan of the Idea of letting her die. She moved quickly to gather her party and head for the royal wing.

                She came upon an elf being attacked by a harlequin. Quickly running to her aid Kazix took one elegant heel and kicked her out the window. With great pride she turned to help the elf. She had valuable information about Briala and Celine. She seemed valuable so Kaz sent her to find Cullen as she pressed on in to the royal gardens.

                As Kaz rushed through the door with her trusted men in toe she was met with glaring evidence that Cullen was right about this being a trap. Surrounded by archers and a rift flouting unstably in the middle of the court yard.

                “Inquisitor! What a pleasure! I wasn’t certain you would attend.” Kaz tucker her hand behind her as it sparked in reaction to the rift. “You are such a challenge to read. I had no idea if you had taken my bait.” Florianne stalked across the balcony with a smug expression.

                “I fear I’m a bit busy at the moment, if you were. looking for a dance partner.”

                “Yes I see that. Such a pity you did not save one final dance for me.” Kaz eyed the rift. For once one of these accursed things just might come in handy. “It was kind of you to walk in to my trap so willingly. I was so tired of your meddling. Corypheus insisted that the empress die tonight, and I would hate to disappoint him.”

                “At this point I would think disappointment was an old friend.”

                “You poor deluded thing, you don’t know half of what we have planned, and now I suppose you never will. In their darkest dreams no one imagines that I would assassinate Celine myself. All I need is to keep you out of the ball room long enough to strike. A pity you will miss the rest of the ball inquisitor. They will be talking about it for years.” Florianne was so smug as she turned to leave. Kaz was fuming. “Kill her, and bring me her marked hand. It will make a fine gift for the master.”

                Before the arches had even loosed their arrows Kazix was moving. She rolled out of the way with her shield tucked close to her chest. She reached out for the rift and wretched it open with all her strength. The demons poured out and they took their chance. Cole threw his daggers perfectly and struck down one guard in a single blow. Blackwall took to Kaz’s side and pushed forward with their shields held firm. The slashed away at anything in their path. Dorian was flinging magic all over the place. Kaz could never fathom how he controlled that stuff. The guards were dead and Kaz broke off from black wall. She ran at full speed and bashed her shield in to a demon stunning it and giving her time to lodger her sword in it. When she looked back the rest of her team had already dispatched the rest of the monsters. The second wave broke in to the world with a shatter and Kaz headed straight for the Rage Demon. She let out a loud cry as she slammed in to it with her shield. She felt its claws scratch against her shield as she blocked another blow. Moving behind it she quickly sliced at its thin waist. Blackwall charged at it smashing it with his shield while Cole expertly landed his daggers. The monster crumbled beneath their power.

                 She reached out once more and grabbed the rift slamming it shut once more. After rescuing the mercenary captain, it was not difficult to sway him to join the Inquisition and speak to the court on her behalf.

                Kaz had no time to waste, Florianne was on her way to murder Celine and she had to stop her. She gathered the boys and herded for the ball room.

                Kaz pushed through the doors to the ball room without taking the time to disarm. Florianne was standing with Gaspard, she would make her move soon. Cullen rushed over to her as soon as she entered.

                “Thank the Maker, you’re safe. The empress will begin her speech soon. What should we do?” Kaz placer her hand softly on his cheek with a warm smile.

                “Wait here Cullen, I am going to have a word with the grand Duchess.”

“What there’s no time! The empress will begin her speech any moment!”

“Do not fear. I will finish this.” He caught her hand before she could pull it back and kissed her palm.

                “Fine. Be careful. I am right behind you.” Kaz smiled and quickly handed him her weapons and armor adjusting herself quickly in to proper dignitary form once more. She nodded as she headed for Florianne. Storming the dancefloor, she stepped right up to the grand Duchess, Gaspard, and Briala.

                “We owe the court one more show your Grace.” She turned around with grimace and stared daggers at Kaz.

                “Inquisitor.”

                “The eyes of every noble in the empire are upon us, your Grace. Remember to smile.” Kaz walked forward with grace as her hells clicked on the marble steps.” This is your party. You wouldn’t want them to think you’d lost control.”

                “Who would not be delighted to speak with you, Inquisitor?” She baked away almost bumping in to the wall behind her. Kaz smiled wickedly as she cornered Florianne.

                “I seem to recall you saying “All I need is to keep you out of the ball room long enough to strike”. When your archers failed to kill me in the garden, I feared you wouldn’t save me this last dance.” Kaz stalked around Florianne as the crowd became enamored with her display. “It is so easy to lose your good graces. You even framed your brother for murdering a council emissary.” Gaspard shook his head as the crowd gasped and loudly exclaimed their shock. “It was an ambitious plan. Celine, Gaspard, The entire council of heralds… All your enemies under one roof.” Florianne backed away nervously.

                “This is very entertaining, but you do not imagine anyone believes your wild stories?”

                “That will be a matter for a judge to decide, Cousin.” Celine chimed in from the balcony above.

                “Gaspard? You cannot believe this! You know I would Never…” Gaspard turned his back on Florianne and walked away with Briala in toe. “Gaspard?” The guards began to close in on Florianne.

                “You lost this fight ages ago, Your Grace. You’re just the last to find out.” Florian crumpled to the floor sobbing as the guards seized her. “Your Imperial Majesty, I think we should speak in private. Elsewhere.”

                Kaz followed Celine gracefully never once letting her confidence be shaken. They met with Gaspard and Briala on the balcony to discuss the situation at hand. Kaz told Celine of all the evidence she had found against Briala and Gaspard. They were both taken away and Celine was now safe to rule over Orlais once more. For the time being at least.

                After addressing the court and securing the aid of Orlais for the inquisition Kazix had had just about enough of balls and dignitaries. She stepped out on to the far balcony to catch her breath in this whirlwind of developments.

                “The Orlesian nobility makes drunken toasts to your victory, yet you are not there to hear them?” Morrigan startled her as she stepped forward. Kaz sighed and gave her a weak smile. “Do you tire so quickly of their congratulations, Inquisitor? ‘Tis most fickle after all your efforts on their behalf.”

                “I would have stayed but the punch ran dry. Scandalous.” Morrigan let out a soft chuckle.

                “Let’s see if you take this piece of news as poorly. By imperial decree I have been named liaison to the Inquisition. Celine wishes to offer you any and all aid- Including mine. Congratulations.”

                “Welcome to the Inquisition, Morrigan.” Kaz smiled warmly at her. At least now there would be time to pester her about the warden.

                “A most gracious response. I shall meet you at Skyhold.” She walked away as gracefully as Kaz would have. She sighed and leaned her elbows on the stone railing. What a night. After this she could definitely use another night sleeping by her Commander.

                “There you are! Everyone’s been looking for you.” Speaking of a certain Commander. She let out a weak laugh.

                “Seems to be a trend… “He moved beside her and leaned down on the railing.

                “Things have calmed down for the moment. Are you alright?” He placed a gentle hand on her back.

                “I’m just worn out. Tonight has been… very long.” She huffed out a sigh and leaned against him.

                “For all of us. I am glad it’s over.” He paused and pulled her close to his side. “I know it’s foolish but I was worried for you tonight.” The music suddenly picked back up again. Things must be back to normal. Orlesians… “I may not have another chance like this, so I must ask.” He took a step back and bowed to her with his hand out. “May I have this dance, my Lady?” The way his smirk tugged on his scar was always so adorable to her. She could have been down a leg and she would have said yes.

                “Of course. I thought you didn’t dance?” He took her hand and pulled her in.

                “For you, I’ll try.” He smiled and she laid her head on his chest as the slowly danced. She kept her eyes on her feet just in case. He was not half as bad as he thought he was. As they continued to move she looked up at him with a warm smile. He took the chance to spin her out and pull her back in kind of tripping her but he turned it in to a dip, salvaging the move. Kaz could see the blush creeping across his cheeks and she only laughed. Once she was upright again she pulled him down so his lips met hers. After the insanity of this crazy night He was just what she needed to keep her going.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I might take a little break to catch up with my in game inquisitor. I made a new one since the one I originally based this on completed the game ages ago, but I have a good idea for another chapter that I will write before my new Trevelyan even gets to the ball


	15. Big Brothers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So maybe I have been playing Inquisition for the last 3 days...yea...maybe...

                So many things happened so quickly once she returned to Skyhold. The talks of launching their next attack on Corypheus, Morrigan with the eluvian, Mother Giselle conspiring to trick Dorian in to seeing his parents. All in one day! Kazix was exhausted. Once she saw an opening she moved as quickly and quietly as she could to escape… well, everyone. She climbed up to the top floor of Cullen’s office and sat quietly on his bed. Cullen was just as busy as she but he never seemed to need to run off like her. Or maybe he did and was just better at staying put.

                She sighed heavily and laid back on the bed. The twilight trickled in through the hole in his roof. The stars would be bright soon. What an odd thing to be grateful for, a hole in the roof. She listened to the wind whistle through the boards. It may not have been terribly warm but somehow it was more comforting than her own quarters.

               

                The western approach was a brutal place to spend a long period of time in. Trudging through the sands, it filled her clothes and made her skin dry. Today was particularly harsh. The sun beat down on her like it wanted her dead. The wind threw sand at her mercilessly. Step by step the sand got harder to trudge through, like it was getting deeper, swallowing her. She crumbled under the pressure and wrapped her arms around herself. Everything was wrong. She felt wrong. The sand pooled around her like it would bury her alive. She coughed and tried to wipe the sand and tears off her face.

                Was she really chosen? Was the Maker even real? Did she deserve all the inquisition had given her? All that Cullen had given her? The sand was choking her and she could bear it no more. As much as she wanted to run away from everything that weighed on her, she could not. Running away meant leaving everything she had left in this world. This is where she was meant to be. It has to be.

                She started to dig at the sand trying desperately to get it off her. Clawing at it with all her might and then she felt some one grab her wrist and pull her forward.

                Cullen. He saved her. She laughed weakly and reached out for him. His face was stern, not his normal self. He threw her to the ground with a violent thud. She scrambled to back away as he approached her, but it wasn’t Cullen anymore. It was Corypheus. He closed in on her and wretched her up from the ground crushing her wrist. She screamed and tried to pull away but when she looked back to him it was her father. Disappointment and anger drawn across his face. She let out a whimpered sob as he stared at her like her hated her. Crushing her wrist to bring her eyes back to his he growled.

                “YOU LET ME DIE!” Kazix screamed and sobbed and tried her best to pull away but the grip was too tight. He was yelling her name, over and over. Suddenly the voice changed and it was softer, kinder, worried. It was Cullen

                Taking in a shaky breath her eyes opened to Cullen leaning over her on his bed. He was holding her wrists to try and calm her thrashing. She looked up at him with terror in her eyes and her face soaked in tears. She let out a sob and hugged him like her life depended on it.

                “Kaz… Are you alright? I heard you screaming from outside my office.” He held her close to him and stroked her hair as she attempted to regain composure.

                “I…I’m s-sorry” She half sobbed but he hushed her and hugged her tight to him.

                “Commander?!” A voice came from below and she felt him tense as she held her breath, desperate not to make a sound.

                “The situation is handled! Get out and make sure no one enters until I say so!” Cullen barked the order over his shoulder pulling Kaz closer protectively. The soldier below paused for a beat then hesitantly scurried out the door letting it slam shut with a loud bang.

                Kaz let out her breath she had been holding, taking in another. This one she let out slowly. She reached up and wiped her face as best she could without pulling away from Cullen. He loosened his arms so she had room to move. She looked up at him tentatively and immediately back down again when she saw the look of concern on his face.

                “Hey…” He whispered gently and took her face in his hands pulling her eyes up to his. “Tell me what’s wrong?” It was more of him pleading with her than a question. She took in another shaky breath and moved so she was sitting up in front of him. He placed a hand softly on her thigh and rubbed small circles in to the cloth of her pants.

                “It…It was a nightmare. I’m sorry I worried you.” He placed his free hand on her face and she looked up at him.

                “I know nightmares, but that was something worse. I have never heard you scream like that. I thought you were hurt or someone attacked you. I don’t think I have ever climbed that ladder that fast.” He smirked a bit trying to get her to crack half a smile at least. She frowned and looked away. “Kaz, please. You know all the dark and scary parts of me. Things I have never told… Anyone. Please. Please trust me. Tell me what’s wrong?” she stifled a sob and threw her arms around his neck hugging him tightly.

                “Everyone tells me it’s not my fault but it feels like it is. They say I am chosen but I can’t tell if I believe or not. I have lost so much but gained so much. Was this all the Makers plan for me? Was this what I am supposed to live for?” her words came quickly like water overflowing. She sobbed and released him putting her head in her hands.” If I was so chosen, why did he have to die? Why couldn’t he have been chosen? My father would have been much better suited than I.” Another sob and she closed in on herself pulling her knees up to her chest.

                “It was not your fault. I know it feels that way but it’s not. Kaz… You are…you mean so much to me. I would do anything for you.” He placed a hand gently on her shuddering shoulders. “You know I am awful with words…Please, tell me how to help? “She took an unsteady breath and held it.

                ‘Get a hold of yourself! Maker, you are sniveling in front of the only man who has ever truly cared for you! PULL YOURSELF THE FUCK TOGETHER GIRL!’ She furrowed her brow and let out a harsh sigh. She squared her shoulders and wiped her face again.

                “It was a horrible nightmare. Not even the things the fear demon showed me in the fade were that bad. It was…terrifying. People I loved hurt me. It was not something I never want to see again…” Her voice was even like it always was when she pretended she was ok. She pulled her hair over her shoulder and fiddled with it while she tried to find the words. “Cullen…I trust you more than anyone else in this Inquisition.” She let the mask fall a bit now that she had control of her emotions again. “You would never see me this way otherwise.”

                He still looked concerned. The starlight filtered gently through what little roof there was. She looked up at the stars and smiled softly.

                “Cullen, I… I have had to create many masks in my life. Masks to suit the people around me, to keep up appearances. They get heavy sometimes. I don’t know how you do it. You are always so perfect. The strong Commander that can move mountains with a word to his troops.” She reached up and gently caressed his face, at which his expression softened. “My Commander who is always gentle and understanding with me. Always perfect. You are so much stronger than me. You never have to run away and hide like I do.” He took her hand in his and kissed it softly.

                  “With all you do I am surprised you don’t run off more often. Kaz… You are literally saving the world. I just follow your orders and give them to the men. You are the one with all the weight on top of you. Yes, I have my own struggles, But I have you. Please don’t forget that you have me.” She smiled weakly at him and snuggled up beside him. “I am far from perfect. But I try to be the best man I can be. For you and for the Inquisition.” He pulled her in to his protective embrace and kissed the top of her head.

                  “Thank you… Everyone thinks that none of this would have happened without me, and that may be true, but… I would not have had the strength to make it this far without you.” She pulled him in to a warm kiss. She ran her fingers through his short hair lightly dragging her nails across his scalp. That elicited a quiet moan from him making Kaz squirm closer. He broke their kiss and started trailing small kisses down her neck. She was breathing heavy and filled with new feelings. Kaz let out a small moan but silenced herself.

                   She brought his lips back to hers and smiled in to the kiss. He broke the kiss and looked at her with a smirk as she started to giggle.

                   “Why Lady Trevelyan, what do you find so amusing?” He ran his hand gently down her arm.

                   “Your soldier. The one you told to guard the door. You might want to dismiss the poor boy.”

                   “Oh, Maker’s breath.” He got up with a huff and a bit of an awkward stance that only made her laugh more. He shot her a look and slid quickly down the ladder.

                   Kaz took in a deep breath and smiled down at her feet.

                  “I wanted to help, but having him do it helped more.” Kaz jumped as Cole appeared beside her on the bed.

                   “Cole. Thank you. I know you always want to help.” She smiled over at him and he returned his usual quizzical look.

                  “He doesn’t blame you. It was not your fault. He would have been there at the Conclave no matter what. He was happy that he was there with you.” Kaz looked sadly at him but smiled.

                  “Thank you… Please don’t make me forget that it was you who helped.”

                 “OK… I won’t. But don’t tell him. It will make him sad if he thinks he didn’t help.”

                And with the loud thunk of the door below he was gone. Kaz smiled weakly to herself. ‘So many people here that just want to help. Maybe this is what I was meant to do.’ Cullen sighed as he stepped up off the ladder.

              “Oh the gossip that is going to fly about this one…” He sighed and stretched his shoulders.

              “Do you mind if I sleep here tonight?” Kaz looked up at him with pleading eyes. He simply laughed and slid up to her on the bed.

              “You do not have to ask. Any night I have you by my side is more than I could hope for.” She kissed him again and smiled warmly.

              “You are not sleeping in your armor. That chest plate is always cold!” She gently nudged him off the bed and he laughed.

               “As you command, Inquisitor.” She kicked him and the both broke out in laughter.

 

 

              The next morning Kaz awoke before Cullen. After everything they had been through somehow they managed to hold this thing together. There was something else that had been weighing on her mind. The specialization trainers were growing weary of her indecision. She had gone this long without one, did she really need it? She always wanted to be a Templar or a Warden. The Wardens are susceptible to Corypheus, that would never work now. Could she really become a Templar? Could she really start taking lyrium when Cullen was trying so hard to get it out of his life? Her brothers were strong and they believed. They told her she would be a strong Templar and that they could help train her. But it all came down to what she was willing to put Cullen through. He respected the Templars so much still. But could he really bear her having a lyrium leash? Could he stay off it when it ran heavy through her blood?

              This is why she had not chosen yet. Bull had a lot to say about Reavers but they were mostly 2 hand warriors. It all sounded so brutal and exciting. Then, what would her brothers think? Breaking the family traditions and becoming a violent fighter bent on blood lust and dragons? She felt it suited her more these days. There was nothing but anger when she fought. Monsters, demons, Venitori. They all infuriated her. So much innocent blood shed. Maybe it was the path for her. But she wanted to know how Cullen and her brothers felt about it first.

             Cullen had Kaz wrapped up tightly in his arms. Suddenly she felt him jerk awake as if scared out of sleep. She turned to him and saw the fear on his face but he quickly wiped it away when he remembered she was there.

           “Sorry to wake you…” He said sleepily while pulling her in again.

           “You didn’t. I was already awake. Just enjoying the company.” She smiled and snuggled up close to him. He kissed the top of her head and squeezed her.

           “In that case, go back to bed.” He grumbled as he buried his face in her hair. She giggled rolled over so her head was on his chest. The very first signs of dawn were starting to poke through the stars. They could kill another hour or 2 before anyone came looking for them.

 

 

          Later that day after talking with Morrigan and meeting Keiran, Kaz set out to find her brothers. She was unsurprised to find them lurking in the armory. Testing blades and debating what was better and how it could be improved.

           “Hello my darling brothers! You ridiculously titled sister requests your company!” She held up her arms like she was announcing some fancy event. They both laughed and Luke tossed a shield at her. She caught it and stuck her tongue out at him. “Come on, we can talk upstairs.” She waved them along and they followed her up the stairs.

           “So Kazy Kat, what new earth shattering, world changing nonsense are up to today?” Connor asked as he sat down across from her at the table.

            “I wanted to talk to you guys about the specialization training.” Her face fell and the boys looked at each other with concern.

           “I thought you wanted to be a Templar?” Luke questioned with worry across his face.

           “I do- I did… I… I don’t know anymore…” She looked down at her hands that were fiddling with her braid again.

           “What has you so confused? What changed your mind? You were always certain about being a Templar or a Warden. You can’t really be a Warden now with all this Coriphinus nonsense, so what has you all tangled up?” Connor could always see right to the heart of her problems. He knew something had changed.

          “It's… well…” she fumbled with the words then looked sternly up at them both. “Trevelyan oath. Not a soul outside us.” The boys nodded with serious looks each grabbing one of her pinkys with theirs. She nodded and released their hands. “You both know that Cullen used to be a Templar?” She asked in a hushed tone.

          “There really isn’t a “used to be” with Templars but yea.” Luke eyed her curiously.

           “There is if you stop taking the lyrium…” Kaz said looking down at her fingers again. Connor and Luke looked at her in shock. They both knew the dangers.

           “But you’re still letting him lead? And what about…” Connor trailed off looking over at Luke who was now staring Daggers at him. “I may have neglected to tell Luke. You know how he hates gossip...” Connor shrunk away from his older brother who now turned his dagger stare to Kaz.

           “Well…. Shit.” Kaz laughed nervously. “Cullen…. And I… are… kind of… a thing?” Luke looked at her sternly.

            “So you have let you Commander, who is compromised and possibly losing his mind, not only lead your forces but bed you as well? Is that what is happening here?” He looked angry. Kaz had never had boyfriends before and with all the insanity that was her life she picked now of all times to pick one.

             “It’s not like that! We haven’t…” Kaz blushed as she frowned at the floor. “He is not compromised. It has been months. He just gets headaches sometimes… and bad dreams…” She was mumbling like a scolded child. She twisted her braid nervously in her hands.

             “And you knew?” Luke turned to Connor who had a nervous smile.

            “Yea… He isn’t a bad guy, Luke. I have spoken to him. He really cares for Kaz and I had no Idea he was off lyrium. He must be doing well not to show signs of the madness after this long.”

             “He is why you changed your mind. He has told you not to choose this life because he is “above it” now?” Kaz had not seen Luke angry in a very long time. Not since she stole his favorite shield and ruined it in a fight.

             “No! He does not think that at all! He was the only one of my advisors who supported me when I chose to seek the Templars out instead of the mages. He has great respect for the order! He has just… been through a lot…” Kaz looked up at him with soft eyes and he sighed.

            “What do YOU want Kaz? Do you want to be a Templar?” Luke looked her dead in the eyes and she knew she was cornered.

            “… Not anymore. He… He is very important to me. I could not put him through seeing me taking lyrium while he is trying so hard to stay off it… It wouldn’t be right…”

            “So you are going to give up the one thing you have always wanted to become for this man?” Kaz looked sadly up at him and nodded. She refused to do that to Cullen. “Connor. Keep her here.”

            “What?! No! Luke! You can’t!” He silenced her with a glare and she glared right back.

            “STAY.HERE.” He growled and walked off towards Cullen’s office.

           “Connor… What have I done?” She put her head in her hands and tried to stifle her tears of anger.

 

               Storming up to Cullen’s office Luke was ready to show him what a real Templar could do. One who hadn’t given up on the order. He reached the door and knocked as calmly as he could manage.

             “What is it?” Cullen snapped thinking it was another missive. Luke pushed open the door, stepped in and closed it hard behind him. Cullen looked up at the man in shock. “I apologies. I thought you were another courier. How can I be of service?” Cullen eyed him nervously. He had not really had much of a chance to talk to Kaz’s brothers other than a greeting in passing, and a few conversations with Connor.

              “We have a problem.” Luke spoke evenly as he walked up to Cullen’s desk.

               “We do?” Cullen asked raising an eyebrow. He had no idea what was going on.

              “Yes WE have a problem. Do you know a lot about my sister?” Cullen paused to think his words through. This was a whole new game for him. He felt safer in Orlais.

              “Well, I like to think she confides a lot in me.” Luke narrowed his eyes at him.

             “ _well,_ did you know that she has always wanted to be a Templar? Like me. Like her other brothers and countless other family members?”

             “She mentioned she was thinking about it, yes.”

             “Now she doesn’t.”

              “I guess that is her choice then.”

            “No.”

            “No?”

            “NO. Do you know why she has given up her lifelong ambition to be a Templar?”

             “She has not mentioned it to me, no.”

             “You.”

             “Me?!”

             “Yes. She told us about how you stopped taking Lyrium. You turned your back on the order and now she wants nothing to do with it.” Cullen took in a deep breath and looked at Luke like he had just sprouted wings.

             “I did NOT turn my back on the order. I left to help the Inquisition fix this crazy mess we are in. Yes, I stopped taking the lyrium. I wanted a different life. I have great respect for those who are in the order and those who still want to join. I told her to be sure before she made a decision. I did not tell her to have “Nothing to do with” the order!” Cullen didn’t notice when but he had stood up and was now leaning over his desk glaring at Luke.

             “Do you care for her?” Luke asked in a very calm voice. Cullen released some of the tension in his body stood up straight.

             “Yes. I care very deeply for her.” Luke sighed and straightened himself.

             “She doesn’t want to hurt you. You are the only man she has ever… _been_ with. This is a new experience… for all of us.” Luke let the anger melt away from him as re-centered himself. “Kaz is all we have left of our father and any scrap left of the life we used to have. I never had to do this when she was a kid. She was just always with us or father. Hiding from mother and playing with swords.” He sighed and ran a hand through his hair. “I can’t lose her… And I will not see her broken hearted when she cannot run to father to dry her tears.” He looked at Cullen hard. “You are not compromised from the lack of lyrium?” Cullen took in a deep breath and looked at Luke with a dead serious face.

             “Not now… It helps when she is around. The headaches are less intense. The Seeker, Lady Pentaghast, is watching me for any change. If I am unfit to command she will replace me. If I am unfit to stay with Kaz…” He stopped to swallow the pain that brought to him. A life without her now did not seem right. “Then she will know, and Cassandra will keep her safe.” He sighed and tried to shake the thoughts from his head. “I… I have not told her this yet… But… I love her. She has changed my world from a dark place to one I actually enjoy. She makes me happy. And I have not been happy in a very long time.” Luke sighed and the anger boiling inside him faded away.

           “Then keep her safe. She does not have much left in this world. She is not nearly as strong as everyone thinks she is. She may be able to shield bash her way through any enemy, but when it comes to matters of the heart… She is a fish out of water. Father was everything to her. She is extremely fragile now that he is gone.” Cullen couldn’t help but think back to the temple where she lashed out at him until she couldn’t even hold herself up. “If you fail her, Corypheus and the end of the world will be the least of your worries.” Luke turned and left quickly without giving Cullen a chance to reply. He sighed deeply and slumped back in to his chair.

           “Maker, help me.”

 

 

            “Connor, what if her makes him hate me?” Kaz looked up at Connor who was now sitting beside her.

            “He wouldn’t do that. He just wants to make sure you are safe. You should have let me beat Cullen up when I offered.  Maybe then Luke wouldn’t have been so mad.” He chuckled and Kaz couldn’t help but smile.

            “I hope you are right. Maker, is this what other girls with brothers go through every time they find a suitor? Must be rough.” She laughed at herself and Connor nudged her.

            “Not all brothers are lucky enough to have sisters who would rather play with swords than Dolls.” She smiled at that. She looked over the balcony as she heard the door open. She jumped up as Luke entered and ran down the stairs.

            “What have you done?!” She roared at him as she came nose to nose with her older brother.

            “Relax Kaz. If you are asking if we dueled for your honor then, no. We talked. I made the usual “You hurt her your dead” speech and we went our separate ways.” Luke looked at her with a bemused grin but she could see something deeper in his eyes.

            “Luke… I can’t lose him.” The pleading in her eyes tore at him. He knew she was no child anymore but that did not make it any easier to let her go.

            “I know, Kaz. And we can’t lose you… So I guess we are all just stuck with each other.” He rolled his eyes and she smiled. She hugged him and he squeezed her tight. She ran off without another word.

             “She loves him; you know that right?” Connor chimed in from above.

             “I know. Damn kids, eh?” Connor laughed and met his brother at the door. The headed over to spend some time training with Cassandra.

 

            Kaz had scurried up the battlements to get to Cullen’s office but stopped in the tower before his. She was worried about what Luke had said. What if he had scared Cullen off? This was her first real dive in to a relationship. Was she ready for all this? Did he feel as strongly as her? Was it even right to pursue him given what might happen to her. She took a step back from the door.

             “He needs you.” Cole placed a hand on her shoulder. She jumped but relaxed at the sound of his voice. “You make the hurting stop. You make the pain dull. Without you the dreams are loud and pain is sharp. He needs you.” She sighed and turned to face him.

            “I know… but what if I die? Who will help him?”

             “I will try. He does not like me, but I will try.” Kaz stifled a sob and hugged Cole. He stood awkwardly not quite knowing what to do. When she released him and turned to the door he was gone.

              She crept slowly towards his office. She could hear people inside. He must be busy. She cracked the door and slid inside trying to remain unnoticed. She leaned against the back wall and watched silently as he dealt out orders to his men.


End file.
